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Author Topic: I want to thank you all. Thoughts...  (Read 2883 times)
AstralCody
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« on: November 26, 2012, 12:40:44 »

Hey everybody...
It's about 5:05 AM and I wanted to write this because I felt a need to. I know I don't know any of you extremely well, but this site has helped me so much and you are all friends to me. I have one friend in my life, she is my best friend. We are currently in a relationship. I won't go into detail, because I am sure nobody really cares and I want to keep this as positive as possible. Spirituality, Out of body experiences, my EVP's, and my girlfriend who I have been seeing for almost six months now are really the only thing holding me together. Also, I know that if our relationship discontinued I would still have this person in my life, and I would keep my head up high and still be her best friend. She suffers from some things that I do and she can relate. I strongly believe she is an advanced soul. She is like a guide in a physical body to me. I am on this site quite often and I just wanted to thank each and everyone of you. Almost everyone is like minded like me here on my views of things. You all help just by reading your posts and learning new things that is so essential in my life.

I'll be honest, for the past month I could not leave the house. I been having panic attacks that last anywhere between 2-5 hours about two times a day. I usually just crawl in bed and shake. It's gotten to the point to where I will feel my heart through my chest and my ears will begin to ring. I start to lose consciousness. Not too much... Just enough to have a big bright white light appear in front of me and I sweat a little. I never fully go unconscious. Sometimes, I wish I did because the pain is overwhelming. I will gag and dry heave for a few hours over the toilet and have the chills. Nothing is wrong with me physically. I can't tell you how many doctors I have been to. Cody it's anxiety... Cody you are stressed... Cody you might have a personality disorder... I have heard it all. Quite frankly I don't care what I have I just want it to go away. I been suffering from this since I was in about 3rd grade but not to this extent. I am a hypochondriac and fear pretty much everything. My life is fear right now. What do I worry about? Nothing. I have no need to be stressed because I have the most supporting family to help me. But stress is my middle name and it's gotten so bad I believe my body just might die soon because of the pain. That's how it's effecting me physically. All my bones, muscles, and joints hurt. It's just like I am slowly dying a painful death.

I am taking a big step tonight. For the past two months I have seen 11:11 on clocks... phones... radios... at the most random times. The number follows me everywhere. Sometimes I will be playing a video game and my mind will say "LOOK AT THE CLOCK NOW" and it says 11:11 or 1:11. It's important to me because it's happened for quite a while now and I believe it's a sign. A sign I need to look deeper into myself. At who I really am... I don't like the current me. I am unhappy, when in reality I have all the support in the world. I have a caring, amazing girlfriend who always makes me smile and I have a great time with (If I can get out.) I have a great place to live... No job right now. My mom is doing everything in her willpower to help me. I love my family so much. I am going to start to dig deep. I have been slacking and maybe this is a sign I need to go deeper in my spiritual progress.

This, is hard for me to write because I did not want it to come down to this. I am going on medical marijuana. I have been on over 30 anti psychotics and all I have to say is they are s***. I honestly believe it's like pumping toxins in your body. They do nothing for me. Anxiety support groups do not help. I have a panic attack in the bathroom and leave. Therapists do not help. I have a panic attack and leave. Then end up sleeping most of the day. Marijuana, I realize can alter OBE's or even stop you from having them. Obviously since I will be on it, I will only phase when I am not taking it. But, if I keep this up I really think that I am just not going to make it much longer. I have told my family that, and I would never harm myself but some days I get thoughts. Since I was in 6th grade I had thoughts but I never act on them. I have willpower... As miserable as I am. I think what hurts me really bad is the fact that going on this marijuana is going to stop my ultimate goal in life.

I always thought a police officer would be the best job in the world. I know... Many may disagree because it kind of falls under the government. My family is in law enforcement. My all time goal to become a police officer has finally come to an end. I am being realistic now. There's no way in hell I could be a police officer the way I am wired. Being on medical marijuana is going to destroy my goal even further. I have come to terms though that maybe it's not what I am meant to do... When I could leave the house I would do ride alongs with the local PD all the time. They became my best friends and I have seen some very nasty things. I did this for three years. Everyday after school when I was on seven different medications I would go down to the Police Dept and they would enjoy me everytime and let me ride with them. I have gone 100 mph down roads hauling it to drug overdoses... bar fights... suicides... domestic violence's you name it. The Police down here are very busy. There was a time in my life where I realized hey... This is what I am meant to do. I love EMS... I love helping people... etc. I think the telling people what to do would effect me though anyway. I can kiss being an EMT goodbye as well which was my second favorite. Nobody wants to hire someone who is anxious, has a marijuana card, and a GED. It's just not going to happen and as much as it hurts to say this... Out of all the visions I have had... Being that one cop who people could look at and go wow, he is different... he's not on a power trip... etc. It's not going to happen, and it hurts my heart. But I can not function right now and I need to help myself.

Basically I needed to vent... I am not mad, I am frustrated. I wanted to thank the pulse for all of the valuable information I get everyday reading new topics. You have all been so nice to me and it feels like even though I don't know everybody here very well you are all friends to me. I don't know what is happening to me or my body... But I am never giving up. I suppose when it's my time that day will come. Otherwise I must keep fighting.

Thanks for the support you have all given me. I know it seems silly but it means a whole lot to me... Where I am at in my life. You guys are cool in my book. Again, thank you.
-Cody
« Last Edit: November 26, 2012, 12:57:31 by AstralCody » Logged
Anonymouse
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« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2012, 13:25:16 »

Thank you for opening up like you just did. Really. I can't say much encouraging words, I don't think they are needed. You have our support mate, you really do.

I believe in you my friend  wink. A good man is a man to believe in
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The Astral Pulse
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2012, 13:25:16 »

logoVisit the website of Astral Pulse creator Adrian Cooper.

Home of the best selling book Our Ultimate Reality.

Astral Projection, Metaphysics and many other subjects.

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Bedeekin
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« Reply #2 on: November 26, 2012, 13:57:33 »

Cody.. .I can relate to your anxiety attacks. I used to suffer from them horribly in my teens and early 20s. Whenever I had them I would disappear into a room to die... so as not to bother anyone.

I sometimes got them throughout my 30s but they never peaked.. only threatened. Just the thought of them would and could bring them on. They no longer invade my life... I can't tell you whether my situation changed and caused them to go... whether I got rid of them... or whether I just absorbed them and no longer notice them.

So my heart utterly goes out to you (no pun intended).
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Stookie_
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« Reply #3 on: November 26, 2012, 16:42:42 »

I was once told by someone who used to have debilitating panic attacks that the way they got over them (as told to them by their psychiatrist), was once they felt it coming on they were supposed to try to make it happen themselves, try to force a panic attack on, and then it would lessen and eventually go away. And after a while it stopped coming up altogether.

I can't say this will work, but thought I should pass it on. I will send some good vibes your way Cody. Smiley
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sunshaker
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« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2012, 17:23:02 »

Hi cody,
You are right, you are in the right place here, i think many here have gone or are going through something similar as you, in varying degrees,
You are at a time in your journey, where you are being bombarded with new thoughts and understanding, your new views are at conflict with your old, they are fighting for dominace, given time they will find a balance,
I see you are becoming aware of 11.11, this shows you are now noticing things you never before, these numbers also played a part with me, you are seeing with new eyes,
At the moment you will feel trapped and isolated, you will feel there is no where to run, Have patience, in time this will settle down,
The journey is not always easy but it will be worth it in the end.

We were all once caterpillars, eating knowledge, you are now a crysalyst remixing yourself, we all know what comes next wink
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The Astral Pulse
« Reply #4 on: November 26, 2012, 17:23:02 »



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Bedeekin
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« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2012, 17:41:22 »

We were all once caterpillars, eating knowledge, you are now a crysalyst remixing yourself, we all know what comes next wink

To get eaten by a Sparrow?
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sunshaker
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« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2012, 17:58:26 »

To get eaten by a Sparrow?
grin
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Zagadka
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« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2012, 19:53:53 »

I have never had panic attacks, but I was quite anxious socially through most of my teenager years. I was shaking at lunch time, thinking people were laughing at me, my jaws were tense, my hands were cold, I felt rigid, I didn't look at people... and well, I did have a panic attack once when I had smoked marijuana in public. I don't think they would prescribe pot for anxiety... because well even though cannabis can be relaxing, it can actually weird you out and cause more anxiety. When I am high, I won't even post things on Facebook because it makes me too anxious to share what's on my mind. I would seriously avoid it at all cost - also it triggers hunger pretty badly. Also you say you have been on various medications... my guess is you were put on benzodiazepines, possibly Xanax? How long did you use medication? Did you know benzo or even anti-psychotics like Zyprexa can cause rebound anxiety and the most hellish long-lasting withdrawals symptoms ? Benzo withdrawals is much more crazy than heroin! Even though there is a part of you whose seem happy for what you have, you seem really depress... Give it some time though... see it a as transition... try to take a small walk outside, even if you feel weirded out by people... I know my aunt was exactly like you and no medication helped her and pot made it worse for her. Now she is 40 and started to live, she have a business and she is doing a lot better! See it as a transition... you are not alone in your situation, I don't know why, but it's pretty common! Hang on my friend! Seriously forget about the pot, it will indeed kill your ability to AP, LD and pass a point you won't even remember one single dream! Try to do some sports... like jogging, it's tough to get started, but it's a powerful antidepressant and natural anxiolytic! And don't give up on your dream, we need cops like you! And God, you have a caring and loving girlfriend... I have never had a girlfriend because of my social anxiety which is still pretty big around girls...so cheeeeeeers up!  grin
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ChopstickFox
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« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2012, 02:09:05 »

Power and strength to you. It sounds like what you are standing up against is just as commendable as the cops out there. I'm not really great at putting things into words, but know that it is really admirable that you are able to stand up and face this. And your family and friend sound like wonderful people.
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Take to the sky, feeling so alive! Past the clouds to the Milky Way, share our secrets with the starry brigade. The stars surround us like a million fireflies. For once I see infinity... it's in your eyes.
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« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2012, 03:38:08 »

Often the most interesting people in the world are the ones who are diverted off their primary paths, you'll be fine and your ability to express yourself honestly will probably help, best of luck friend.
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AstralCody
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« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2012, 20:54:00 »

Thank you all so much for the replies. :- )

I haven't been able to get on here lately I was in the ER most of the weekend. Feeling a lot better though! I haven't done the medical marijuana yet. I am going to a hospital to try and find out some new techniques I can use. I want it to be a last resort if I do go on it. I am going to be spending a lot more time in nature too.

I hope everyone is doing good. Safe travels. :- )
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