Am I really being attacked or am I just insane?

[EyesOfVengeance]

sorry about that, i forgot to edit "dreammoods" and stuff because i wrote on their first and its the main forum i go to .. and i just copied and paste it on here in hopes to get more opinions

i appreciate any input

[Eol007]

quote:Originally posted by EyesOfVengeance

sorry about that, i forgot to edit "dreammoods" and stuff because i wrote on their first and its the main forum i go to .. and i just copied and paste it on here in hopes to get more opinions

i appreciate any input

Hi Vanessa,

With sincere respect is this fiction and are you being kosher here?

If you are having real probs then there are plenty of people who can help! All you got to do is ask!

Kind wishes,


Stephen

[Rastus]

Being a former depressive I can sympathise with the terrible mood swings.  I've brought my wife to tears just from the rage behind my eyes, and it wasn't directed at her.

IMHO you need some concerted healing for a start.  Therapy can't hurt, but you need an open minded therapist.  I would say the "something" is real, but I can't say in what sense.  I'm not doubting you, but as to whether it's an Astral native or a construct needs to be evaluated.

No more Tim or whats her name.  I actually think you need to change cities, but that's not an option.  It takes time to cut all the connections and heal, but it most definately can be done!  Go post in the healing section, or try www.astralhealer.com , Nita may be able to help you quicker.

[EyesOfVengeance]

quote:Originally posted by runlola



ummm. you should edit all the "f" words...

What did you think you did that was a crime?

picture a rose floating over your heart chakra.
this is an ancient symbol of forgiveness & protects you.
let it go & don't have sexual fantasies about this Tim guy,
forget about that guy. Try going to the healing section
& ask for some reiki.

i'm sorry about the curses i'm going to edit it right now

i just was so emotional when I wrote it .. I stopped having fantasies and stuff but these entities are still inside of me

and no I am not lying, I am serious about every thing I wrote on here

thanks for all of you're help! i'm going to take your advice on healing

it just hurts so much

[EyesOfVengeance]

It was already edited

i'm really sorry about that

[burning_arc]

your not a horrible person at all and god will forgive you. You talked to someone online, you liked him and then got deceived by a demon. Its not your fault. You truly seem depressed, sad and suicidal, is this not what the demon wants? To make you feel so guily and ashamed as to lead you away from god and jesus? Do not do what the demon wants, do not listen what it says. Its true purpose is to prevent you from seeing god and jesus and getting to heaven. Do not let it win.

A demon Never tells the truth.

[daem0n]

you don't need god to forgive you
you must forgive youself, and accept the state that you're in, i know that it sounds crazy, but acceptance doesn't mean giving up, unconciously you can't believe that it is happening to you, and you resist the situation, and from the struggle emerges suffering empowering those using you, there are only 3 ways: remove yourself from the situation (for you impossible), accept the situation, or change it
realize that these entities are more skilled than you, and probably did it many times, there is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is no point in repeating these tapes in your head over and over again
i suggest that you find someone dealing with rape victims (that's what really happened)
you may also try swiming in a river (head up), imaging that water is absorbing all negativity and cleansing you
and i seriously recommend you contact nita
Edit: and despite what burning arc is saying, i tell you the truth [8D]

[Jon_88]

Its very confusing isnt it ? Not knowing if your the fault of it or outside malicius forces . Well i got the symtoms of "things" entering me and playing havoc with my varius glands (troat , armpits ,prostate etc.) and also nervepathways .

But i had no communication with things claiming to cause me this or any other entitys. Nor do i suspect something in the real world is causing me this.

Well as i do not know whats causing me this (though i have theories)
im not going to try and give you other advise (as you seem worse off than me by far). Thought i think you should not blaim yourself for what has happend , its in human nature to be curius and i to openly embraced thise symtoms and played around with them.But seeing as they cause me more grief than pleasure, i now act indiffrently to them(until i can determine what is causing them better).

I would like to ask you a few questions to see if thise symptoms more than look similar(there is just so many with some similar symptoms but describe perhaps a little diffrent and getting them from diffrent practices).

1:Does thise feelings mainly come to you when resting ?

2:Does they quit after a while if you do nothing?

3:If not do you have truble sleeping?

4: If they continue for long periods , does they get worse the longer they continue , and if you go up do you feel like being in a trance\hypnoticed (Senses ampliefied , much more invardly turned than normal, and slightly harder keeping your balance when moving).

5: Does the symptoms follow your concius focus (like if you feel it mostly in your belly then shift your attencion to your troat does it become more keenly felt there?

[cprince]

Wow, it's a long post.  The f*** stuff is fine, it showed your emotions and feelings and these are important to pick up energies. You apparently fell into the trap of some guy who practices black magic to get sex. Did you send him your photo via internet? Any assimilation of your sexual organ on any of his chakra will cause you sensation with intent focus. There are many techniques of psychic seduction, but this guy was not using the energy techniques, he uses the dark forces.  He employed entities to do work for him.  That's voodoo and stuffs like that.  These entities aren't exactly obedient, you just can't trust them.

But I feel that the problem is not entirely caused by external agents, there are things in you that is attracting all these negs.  Suppressed fantasy, unholy thoughts, or anything that resounded to their energies.  Which was why they could easily affect you.  You have to cleanse your internal issue first.

Psychic or entity rape are very common and most happened in dreams, that's when they feed off your energies.  The most important thing is to be mindful.  Be aware of your thoughts 24 hours a day.  Be aware of negative thoughts but do not entertain them. When they come, let them go, hold on to no thoughts.  Your mind will jump to the next thing that it thinks will interest you, again disappoint your mind.

You need to cut and remove the psychic cord attached with Tim.  Are you sleep very close to the window?  Try sleeping in different direction and if possible swap rooms with your siblings.

Based on what you said and if they were as real as you described, they are probably very much into your system.  You need a religious cleanses.  Let the church do the job.  Pray with your heart, open your heart to the holy spirits and let them fill you with tears of love and compassions.

Remember, do not pay attention to them.  The more you think of them, the more you think they are real, they gets more powerful.  Trust no one from the other realm at this moment.  Next time you hear something, just ignore it.  The more you ignore it, the more they get frustrated and eventually they will leave when you are no longer fun to them.

Dissolve everything into emptiness.  There is no you or me. We are all one, and the one is empty. All is but illusion.  Demon dwells in illusion and he wants people to believe illusions are real.  Eventually all emotions, feelings, fear, anger and even joy are not real.  Your soul cannot be destroyed or harmed, don't be fooled by them.  They are just playing you around.  Feel any sensation but ignore it. Know they are not real.

Stop going online for less than holy purpose.  There are many Tim around.

The white light you saw when you closed your eyes could be your guide. Send love energy to your guides and ask for their protection, talk to them and get to know them well.  Love Them because they love you.

The real [}:)] is inside us [].

There is nothing wrong with exploring things when you were young.  I did worse things and I learnt. The most important thing is not to stray from the right path.

Blessings to you.
Choon
[]: focus on this smilies and visualize its energy going down thru your crown and protecting you.  Scan it first to make sure it's positive. Don't trust anyone.

[EyesOfVengeance]

*Warning sexual content*
Where do I start? I couldn't take it anymore and I have to tell someone, this awful feeling in my gut dwells, and I get the same hurting sensation in my heart again. I'm afraid, and I don't want to give these demons power but the things they told me are truly horrible. I will now not listen to these voices though but sometimes my obsessive thinking gets in the way. Sometimes its too loud. I supposedly conquered my obsessive thinking long ago but now with beings that can read my thoughts it returned. I often question my own sanity and I don't know if whether I am insane or not. If this is reality, if I am really being attacked or this is just my obsession for spirituality pushing me onto the edge? I don't know, and I don't know what's worse. If I'm insane or if this is real.

Let me start from the beginning. It all started with chatting with a friend, and over time I grew feelings for him. I am afraid to admit it but I couldn't stop thinking about him, and because of him I learned to love unconditionally again. At the time I was really into a deep depression and felt a lot of hatred and anger, but when I heard of his problems my heart hurted for him so bad. I wanted to take away his pain, and heal him. (I send light energy to him, but my passion was so intense .. this spiritual love) I didn't understand whether this was romantic love or if it was unconditional love, and found myself confused. I just thought that I developed feelings because I was lonely here and I just did this as a defense mechanism? In my back of my mind I knew it was foolish, childish, and how can I just love someone who I never met? I will call him Tim.

I am not the type of teenager who falls in love with every guy I meet kind of girl. No, in fact I distance myself when I can because I don't want to find romantic love or just because .. perhaps its because there is something wrong with me (anti social, bi-polar, social anxiety etc.) who knows what the f*** is wrong with me. I also am a flirt and you know that, and cyber sex was just a game. I never took it seriously, I never masturbated while doing it. It was just fantasy, that's all. But then something happened, we started to have intense sexual feelings .. he said it was a spiritual link .. I was wondering the same thing. But these are not normal heat, it was as if our thoughts yield each touch I felt. So I thought.

He is also spiritually gifted, and I even had a dream interpreting his "past."

Lots of other things happened, my change of appetite (which is unusual because I am emotionally addicted to food) I started to hear faint whispers, each day it grew louder. I told him and we both agree that I was just reading his thoughts. These whisperers were deceiving me however, and I have to pay the price for falling for it.

I didn't understand why I sense more then one entity in the room (though this was usually the case before in the past) when I started to get these sexual feeling again. I didn't realize that the feelings I had before were sexual and I didn't understand that because it was to a lesser degree. It was a tingle I felt on my a**, I felt it before .. like energy but I just regard it as a prankster entity or it was all in my head. I mentioned this before but no one commented on this so I thought it wasn't a big deal. To tell you the truth I didn't even know about anal sex back then.

But then when I grew feelings for Tim, one day something happened and we both felt an intense feeling, but it felt too real. Tim felt (sometimes sexual feelings or touches I did not envision) when I send him light. (This is way back before I even started to seriously think of him that way) but when I ask what he felt he told me he felt things that sounded obscured and I took it that he was only joking and playing around. I started to believe when I had my first sexual intense feeling we had the exact same time. I didn't understand what was happening, I just believed it was a link, or it was thought forms or something like that. I guess it was my fault for not fighting this feeling, I know I'm too young and a hundred other reasons came into mind but I didn't fight it in the end. I really liked Tim, so I just allowed it.

Many of you probably know of the attacks I encountered in the past. I have "spirit vision" where I see energy and a mist of the sort. I can see astral insects and stuff like that. When I prayed to purgatory for the first time in my life I think I was 11 or 12, I sensed and saw energy or an entity. It looked human and I felt the hairs on my body go up, and he touched me somewhere I rather not mention for a second. My fear for the unknown and evil was my paranoia back then, for I was like I said, an obsessive thinker. I had nightmares every other day, fives times a day. My fear gave them power though I wasn't as spiritually aware then as I am now. The dreams were unusual, one dream was empathic where evil filled the left side of my chest. It was pure evil, so horrific that I never forgotten to this day. Physically it felt good and even a dimensional sense of feeling but it was pure pure evil and I never been so frightened in my entire life. One night I felt the restlessness of an entity who was swaying back and forth in the air. I had many nightmares of wind entering my throat and this intense pain in my chest like no other, others I was just paralyzed in bed and thrown in a straight line in the air. Over time my nightmares would change, my moods would change, and the energy in my room would change. These were things you probably hear often from other people's dreams. I stumbled onto this site in hopes of finding an answer, for help. A few others warned me of possion, though I was young and didn't act out of fear nor did I progressed on this idea. The invasion wasn't something obvious, it wasn't like the lights flickered or something like that. Something physically was not seen. I struggled for a year and finally conquered my fear in a lucid dream. My nightmares lessened when I finally did, however I still get weird dreams/nightmares once and a while. I still sense entities. The energy in my room changes constantly.

(Back to the present)
In the beginning the whispers were low, I could barely hear them. Then it gradually grew louder. I heard things like "I love you Vanessa" and my name said constantly, other mutterings I wasn't able to hear. I should of known, mostly because this person is the lovely dovey type. I was a fool I should of suspected something was up. I wondered why the whisperings sounded as if there was more people.

I felt real sensations like, being held and being licked in my ear, and f***. I asked Tim, if he felt things like that and he said sometimes. I was wondering what was happening, I still didn't understand.

(This all happened in a matter of a few days)

Then one night I felt it again, the feeling and I welcomed it. I didn't really get any pleasure from it like I did when I experience it the first time. I sense other entities, and I was confused what was happening. The whispers were louder, their was a women's voice who sounded as if she was instructing the one who was doing this to me. They were chanting something "black yellow, black green" something with colors. Then I heard him moan and say yes and things like that, and I felt his fluids inside of me.

I was so cold, shivering uncontrollably I went to my room because I was in the living room at the time and I couldn't stand the cold. The voice who ***ed me said, "Look at her I can't do it, she's sweet." I heard the female voice and it said, "yes you can she is just cold." And he repeated this over and over, "look at her she's scared." The other voices said "She's cold." I was confused as what was happening. The female voice said "Yes you can!" over and over. "She's sweet, I like her." I was sitting on the bed, and listening to what was being said. Then he started (edit) me from behind, and it felt just as real. (I got no pleasure though, but felt his fluids and it felt real) As a virgin I don't know how such things feel like. Then he started cursing, "laputa." I couldn't believe what was happening. As I look back at the scene, I feel this urge to vomit. I feel this extreme guilt and disgust, I was the one who welcomed it, its my fault in the end. I thought it was "Tim." I can't believed what happened, I just want to die. I feel like I deserve it, and this is an event that will probably traumatize me for the rest of my life. How could I be so stupid? I .. Just .. Can't ... believe .. It. I am in shock. Then the voices started yelling telling him to "KILLL HEER." I however knew that this was impossible, and was confused. I didn't know what to think, so I just didn't. I told him I trusted he wouldn't and have faith, the voice just replied back "I can't, I can't, I like her. Besides she's cute." The voices grew, I feared they would gang up on him. I imagined light pouring into us. I prayed and prayed for it to stop. I did the protection mediation, but it didn't work. I then talked to umm... an online friend, a channeler and asked for his help online. He told me to read the bible, but I couldn't bare to tell him the details. I was to ashamed, and I could die from the shame. He said he didn't sense anything, but then again he said doesn't sense everything. I started to question my own sanity. I read the bible, heard the voices say "shut up" mostly the women's voice. I prayed, I imagined light coming down onto me. I did this till dawn, and my mom overheard my praying and loud shouts for them to leave. She was very angry with me and told me to go to bed. I didn't sleep much, something was coming down on me. When I awoke the voices didn't sound like they were outside but in my head. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I heard "shut up," and "omg" and my ears felt weird (they do when I chant prayers and etc.) and the body of the entity was sticking out of my body a little bit. My left cheek felt itchy, and I could feel it move. I close my eyes and when it moves a flash of white is seen under my eyelids. The sides of my neck also felt weird. I thought about what happened, and finally realized the situation. I was first thinking "Am I insane or is Tim really doing this to me?" Then I realize that Tim, no matter how spiritually gifted .. A live person isn't capable to stay in my body that way. It was an imposter, of course! Why the f**k didn't I see it? When I chanted prayers I felt a sensation Tim described he felt when I send him light. "Elevator feeling, arms around my neck, intense pressure on the sides of my neck." I realize that the entity used us, and that it was in reality it making us feel that way. I realize a lot of things, how my dreams connected to all of this. One dream I felt myself being poured into my navel charka and etc. I sensed energy one morning (this happened long long before any feelings occurred) I felt the tingling sensation on my a** when I woke up. I went back asleep and felt and saw in my mind's eye a man entering my body. I was half asleep then, and he immediately went out once he knew I realized all of this. The entity followed me to the shower, I saw the sparkles at the corner of my eye, and sensed it. One dream I was raped by something invisible. And had a few sex dreams with invisible entities before, but it wasn't really sex, more stimulated then anything else. At the time I didn't even know what anal sex meant. That's how it was done. One night I was my spiritual sight was stronger then ever, and I saw faces in the energy. They were all staring at me, and my whole room was filled with energy. I saw streaks of red in the air, sparkles of light in the corner of my eye. I saw a man at the foot of my bed. It caressed my arm. His hand felt real. In the past I sense a lot of different things, but they were brief. I never heard voices before. Sometimes when I am crying I am sometimes conforted by the energy in my room. They stick to my finger tips. When I mediated to meet my guide, the same female voice I heard was the women's voice I mentioned before. All I managed to hear was "Ssss" probably the "ss" in my name. There is so much more, but who knows if it connects to this. I can't be to sure. I don't even know if I am sane after all.

I did a lot of praying, and did my light technique, I put on the telecare channel when I got weary of talking over the voices, I went to church that day. It was Sunday. I felt it sexually using me, and sometimes it uses that as a way to fight back my prayers. It felt real but at the same time, I just felt more of a tingle. I just started moving and walking so it would stop. That was my way of struggling with something I couldn't even see. Now when I do that I get "Stop moving you b***." The baby in front of me in church turned around and stared right into my eyes, as if she was seeing right into my soul. She then motioned her grandma to look at my direction and she started tapping on her bible furiously. She looked at my crotch then stared at my crown for a long time. I mediated in prayer, and vision God entering me and cleansing me. The baby wasn't afraid of me after a while and reach out for me (gave me hope), she interacted with all of the people around her. She cried a little before after she finished staring at me. I think I made her feel uncomfertable, I think I made her cry.

I chanted prayers for a while and was exhausted. I heard lots of weird things, different voices, they just repeated my thoughts or what I did. There is three different voices I know of, but more entities. They repeated to me my fears, my weaknesses, personal things to make me feel bad. "Stupid girl, she thinks she's fat, she likes the pain, she is a masochist, she after all cuts herself even if its not that deep or if its only a scratch , etc." It was just repeating the darkness inside of me, when the thought came up.

At first I fought it pretty well then physically and mentally I grew exhausted and the guilt was overbearing. I talked to Tim, and he said he would put a shield around me but I asked him he sensed anything and he said no. I wondered about my own sanity. I tried to fight back by blocking the voices, not listen to them and singing to music, my obsessive thinking was getting in the way. It would rape me, I heard weird things like scissors clippings. And felt sensations as if my hair was being cut. Later on I asked Emily, a 13 year old rape victim and perhaps also sister of the man what was happening and she told me that he cuts the hair of his victims. I was unsure she was just pulling thoughts out of my head, or if she speaks the truth. I was wondering who side she was on. It was confusing because the voices changed, as well as personality. She would repeat my thoughts to the man, even though he can hear and said it himself. But she would also say "I'm scared, she really scares me, she's smart she can hear and feel us, she knows .." the man would just say "She's stupid she can't hear us, shut up, Shhh..." Sometimes she would defend me when the man gives me an insult, other times she would repeat she is afraid of me. I then thought the entities mimicked each other's voices because Emily was contradicting herself often. Sometimes the voices fade, other times they are loud. When I pray the voices seems to lessen.

The things Emily told me, of the man who stabbed her and raped her, not to mention she called my help and we started to comfort each other like sisters yesterday. I did not trust her then I felt I should. Later I realize its all lies, and she was deceiving me the whole time. She was a demon in disguised. She just repeats my thoughts to the other demon, but I was hurt and her helplessness and calls for help touched me, she would defend me too. And I heard her say "Don't cut her hair, no I can't do that she's my friend, she's right I know she is (when I told her she has to go to the light and move on, not to be stuck here in my body), I'm so scared." And she seemed to care about me. But then the voices would change and I knew it was a lie. He would call me a "Jesus freak" and insult me. I was so overwhelmed that I started running, and I emotionally broke down right there. I cried but I felt so hurt I couldn't even cry right. I wanted to die so badly. I really needed to talk so I visited a friend to clear my mind and we talked for two hours. That way at least I didn't hear the voices. I felt so depressed, then after I called random people just to get my mind off of it even if it was after 11 and most people were asleep. I chanted prayers, for long periods of time. I would use up all of my energy to fight back, but I don't know what else to do. At one point I couldn't stand the insults but I fought back. My parents were ticked at my strange behavior saying I am making them sick themselves. They think I'm doing this on purpose. "Look my mother just died and I am not even that depressed or bored. I wish I was in the house the whole *** day, and who needs friends, with your aditude like that no wonder you had a fight." (I never even fought with anyone.)

Last night I realized Emily was fake, and I felt it cut my jeans but physically they look fine. It said "I'm cutting your soul stupid." I didn't feel pain but it felt, well weird. I get the same sensations when I chant prayers, around my neck. I think it cuts my neck when I pray. Also I could smell such a foul order, it wasn't my scent or any one else's at home. I took two showers already. I been really stressed lately, and you can tell when my sarcasm kicks in and I start snickering (I do that often when I am nervous) I was really stressed. So I asked it why it cuts me, why it rapes me and it says I deserve it. You let me take advantage of you stupid, you had sex with the devil. You're friends a guy who use to do voo doo and you liked him. (another friend) More insults. They would kick my butt, my body, rape me, cut me I felt coolness roll down on my body. It was blood, but I saw no physical mark. I asked how this was done. He said black magic. It doesn't want to tell me about things like, how long this been happening and he admitted lying about things in the past and right now and being a liar.

I felt so sick, so guilty .. I thought of suicide. I wanted to vomit. "Okay why don't you do it then." It just repeated my thoughts, my hidden feelings .. "haha because of her spirituality" "Jesus freak" and I just couldn't do what it wanted to do. I was so overwhelmed that I went to my parents room and told them about the demons. I sobbed, and hugged them something I didn't do since I was a tot. I don't normally cry in front of my parents, and I felt this need to release but I was so desperate. Then it said it wanted me to cry and I stopped, I couldn't cry anymore because of what he said but I wanted to do so badly. I told my parents, "I'm insane." And sobbed. They just said "No more staying past 12, no more violent TV shows, no more anime." They denied it but I can see it past their eyes, deep inside they probably felt this as well or at least question my own sanity a little bit. They really don't believe in occult and stuff like that. A priest came by the house, years ago when I first had my nightmares to bless the house. My mom asked the priest to come when I showed her a small claw mark on my wrist. There is five lines, curved making it look like a claw print but its also thin enough to mistaken it as just coincidental. The thumb and pinky print was not a line but a small dot. It was centered perfectly right on the middle of my vain. I don't remember hurting my wrist, and it was my left one .. the one I don't use. "The house was already blessed," my mom said, "there are no demons." And it makes sense. She said (I was at school) that the priest, "there was nothing in the house." Your biker babe might be insane, its just so hard to believe. I'm shocked myself. Sure I have my flaws in my own mentality, my anxiety and obsessive thinking but many others do as well and .. one day you wake up hearing voices you just know you're life will be changed forever. I wish I'm normal now, I wish I never dwelled into spirituality, I wish I can have my life back. I had so many plans, study hard, join after school activities but what if the voices don't leave? What if I really am insane? And now I don't think I can even look at myself in the mirror knowing, I had sex with the devil. I deserve to die, but I can't do such a selfish thing nor can I do what it wants me to do. Every time I sleep its like asking to be raped. I guess this is the price I have to pay for my crime. I am going to try to look for a channeling group, and if they don't sense anything themselves then I just going to join a convent. How can I interact with others when they can see the horror in my eyes? I'm such a horrible person to let it use me that way. To be stupid enough to fall for their deception. I should of known! Why didn't I? Why is this happening to me? You're biker might be insane, and my whole life will never be the same again. If its truly all in my head then I'm leaving this site. After telling you about this crime, I really don't feel like I deserve to be here. How I wish I had a shoulder to cry on now. Will God ever forgive me?