Shamanic sickness .. looking for a guide/healer/mentor..

[Lanstar Zero]

Hello seekers.
I acknowledge your journeys and I hope you will do the same for me. I am a 20-year old male that has been suffering from shamanic sickness and various worlds of tension and pain for about 10 years. I can provide many factors that relate to why I am where I am, but I will just divulge the main points.

I have always been very empathic and sensitive, and have had a tendency to hold onto things. Circumstances in my childhood, especially relating to my Father created alot of trauma that I'm still processing, despite the situation being about separation rather than about any direct abuse. Furthermore, I never quite adapted to this culture/society/surroundings the way it is in my facet of the States, especially regarding public school which twisted/repressed some inherent spiritual tendencies I had. When I was 7-9 I started to really become conscious of what I felt like I SHOULD be doing or learning (healing/transformational/shamanic work), and wanted help and support with it. Even at that age I tried manifesting a teacher/guide. I have since learned that in many past cultures if a child showed a disposition for shamanic work that they would be taken out of the home by their teacher and become an apprentice. That is what I was looking for.

I think the combination of not finding a guide/teacher and not getting support from my father and mother resulted in a serious subsequent decade-long depression - from when I was 8-almost current. Now let my reveal some of the severe pain/tension I have been experiencing - most of it physical. When I was 10 years old I was struck in the lower back on the left side (slightly above the kidney) by my friend's older brother. A small rope of hard tissue former there a few days later, followed by another almost identical one on the RIGHT side mirroring the one on the left (I assume to balance the left one out). These "nodes" have caused my much pain (mainly isolated, but also structural pain) and create alot of tension. 5 years ago I was - maybe foolishly - adjusting my neck in the car and slipped and my atlas/c1 vertebrae slipped out of alignment quite a bit, causing excruciating pain. I have been experiencing constant pain - localized and otherwise - and can also feel it severely affecting my nervous system. I have been to various chiropractors to no avail.

In the past 2-3 years ago I have been coming out of the dark depression but have been experiencing more pain as a result.. as in, the depression was a defense mechanism and now I'm feeling more than I ever have. I have been experiencing problems with digestion and abdominal tension, a feeling of entities in my abdomen (not parasites - got checked for that), a feeling of holding onto energies and patterns that are not mine, etc, etc. Also hair loss in the past year, veins sticking out..

I know it is in my path to pursue shamanic work/healing - and I feel like I need to heal myself first. The biggest obstacle is that I feel like my neck being out is preventing my energy to flow properly, and so certain connections are being diverted resulting in a freat imbalance. Therefore I feel I need assistance with this healing process. Extraction, soul retrieval, whatever is needed. I'm also looking for a teacher. Not core shamanism - I'm not looking for someone who practices shamanism, but someone who is In it... who is a conscious traveler of the realms of being that I feel and know are right beyond the veil.

I am looking for a teacher/guide/mentor.

I feel like if this this pain doesn't transform I will die physically, which I have begun to accept but I also don't feel as if this is my calling.

I feel a need to state something else - I have my own beliefs about determinism and free will and karma that contradict what I'm about to say, but what I'm about to say also feels real: I feel like their was a fundamental slip in my pattern, and that energies that weave the patterns are still trying to weave this quilt the way it was meant to be woven DESPITE MISSING CERTAIN STRANDS AND COLORS! I feel like the thread-weavers need to be reminded that their was a fundamental slip occur ed and to reintegrate the colors or compensate for the new pattern.

If anyone here feels pulled to contact me, please do so. I need all the help/assistance I can get right now - I haven't had much of it, but have never needed it more than I do now.

Thanks for reading this lengthy post!

[Beecharmer]

I feel like their was a fundamental slip in my pattern, and that energies that weave the patterns are still trying to weave this quilt the way it was meant to be woven DESPITE MISSING CERTAIN STRANDS AND COLORS! I feel like the thread-weavers need to be reminded that their was a fundamental slip occur ed and to reintegrate the colors or compensate for the new pattern.

Hello Lanstar Zero

Consider.  The tapestry of your life is being woven from the back; it needs to be turned over before you see its beauty.  Without the darkness, there is no need for illumination.

Question.  Do you not take responsibility for weaving your own threads?

Note. Your pattern is exactly at the point it is supposed to be.

Be peaceful.  All is well.

Beecharmer.

[Lanstar Zero]

You are right in that I weave my own pattern - and I understand that. And YET, despite what I BELIEVE, their is a feeling of something inherent slipping that doesn't feel self-imposed.  I'm willing to own it if I can identify the source of that feeling, but I haven't been able to identify it.. and that's where I have had the most difficult time - feeling the pain, and feeling that much of the pain is not MINE.  And yet, with what I believe, it IS mine.  That's my conundrum.

[Beecharmer]

Hey Lanstar

Ok.  Basics.  Thought. Food. Health. Home.  Ensure each is appropriate for you.  Give each a spring clean, and monitor your 'self'.  Notice which area of cleansing gives the greatest help.

Also, consider your DNA.  Is this what you feel may be altering?

Beecharmer.

I note, it is what we most need to learn that we teach.  Indeed.

[Wizard of Light]

Hi Lanstar Zero!

Sorry I didn't find your post sooner.  I hope that you still read this!  Here are some thoughts on your post - and please don't take offense to anything I have to say, know that it is all said with much love and respect, I just pass on what I am given:

The first and foremost thing I am urged to say to you is you need to stop playing the victim.  When you dwell on being a victim then you cannot function effectively as a person.  It confuses everything else in life, making the world a harder place to understand and work within.

I am told that it is OK to live without a father figure.  It doesn't make you any less of a man, or any less of a person.  It is/was OK.  You cannot change it now, so don't stay there, in the pain.  Take the lessons and move into the NOW.

Anyhow, this experience with your father, it needs you to look at it and use the experience in a positive manner in your life.  There is a strong urge for you to get involved with disadvantaged kids - maybe orphans, or kids from abusive situations.

We are all here for our own specific purposes, but do you know what??!!  It is not necessary to understand what that purpose is!!  Just know that we are here to learn (something that everyone is here to do!) AND you are here to help others.  

Spirit talks to all of us - even those who do not listen.  Interestingly they don't make a whole lot of sense half of the time - mostly because we sit here concerned in now or tomorrow, but where they are there is 10 years or 100 years from now to think about!!  And then we worry and try to logic what we are given, or what we think we might have been given - and we forget that they look at things from a whole separate perspective!

Your neck speaks to me that you are having troubles holding your head up high - ashamed about who you are or what you feel you have become.  Once more, they urge you to stop playing this victim role.

There is lots of encouragement to get out and start helping people - especially the disadvantaged kids.  Wake up everyday and make the first thing you say "hello beautiful world!  I am so happy to be here to greet you!!"  and go to bed every night and thank the universe for the lessons you have been given throughout that day.  Make a choice to live, and to touch others in a beautiful and positive manner.

Sending you many blessings on your journey, and may peace find your soul.  Wizard of Light