exploring spiritual causes for my thought disorder

[Rahzul]

First, let me say that I'm not thinking my clearest today so please bear with me, and let me know if you notice that I've left out anything important. Thanks. =) I notice that my thinking has grown particularly clouded as I begin to write this post, which makes me kind of suspicious that whatever is affecting me negatively, whether it be a part of myself or a neg, doesn't want me to write it. I also realize that it could be because I took a sleeping pill, though. Still, it usually doesn't knock me out this much, or this quickly.

Anyways,

I began being severely depressed when I was 14. Pretty shortly after I started being depressed, I had my first psychotic break with reality. I started to have delusions and paranoia, and while I had previously been a straight-A student, I found couldn't do simple algebra anymore. The therapist my parents took me to was ineffectual (she mostly just sat you down for a nice chat and didn't challenge you) and the psychiatrist they took me to said I had one of the worst, if not the worst, case of depression he had ever seen. He didn't diagnose me with schizophrenia or any thought disorder because he believed my cognitive impairment was due solely to depression (I hid my delusions and paranoias from him well, because at the time I was more afraid of psychiatric drugs than I was of my sadness and confusion.) He did perscribe an antidepressant which relieved some of the emotional pain.

Eventually my parents and I found a good therapist, and a good psychiatrist, who I was able to trust. They prescribed antipsychotic medication and that freed me at last of the delusions that I hated (I was aware that my delusions weren't real, but I couldn't stop thinking them. It was weird. I would tell myself that I wasn't resposible for certain bad things happening, or that my parents wasn't poisoning me, but the thought would persist. At best, I would be able to ignore the troublesome thoughts and continue with my life; at worst, I would have the thoughts and be paralyzed by them, terrified by them even though I knew them to be false. Being free of those thoughts at last was the coolest thing ever.)

I have been working with the psychotherapist for 4 years now, and while she doesn't adhere to any specific type of psychoanalysis, it's closer to Freudian psychoanalysis than anything. She's very smart and knows when to challenge me and when to back off, and has carefully nudged me towards self-understanding, teaching me that the answers are in myself. Because of the therapy I can say that I am free of depression; I haven't been on an antidepressant for over a year and I feel better than I did when I was on them.

The only psychological trouble that persists, for the most part, is the thought disorder. The antipsychotic gets rid of the delusions and paranoia for the most part, but my thinking is still not as clear as it was before I was 14, and sometimes delusional thinking will still find its way through the effects of the medication (although I am able to push the thoughts away, because they aren't strong, I would still prefer to be free of them altogether. Pushing them away uses up valuable mental energy.) I also hallucinate still; the medication has had very little effect on my hallucinations.

For a long time I thought that the effects of my thought disorder and depression would best be dealt with through therapy and medication, and this has worked, to a great degree with the depression and to a lesser degree with the thought disorder. However, I have begun to wonder if there are not yet still other factors "damming up the energies of life" in me - specifically negs, but I'm open to considering anything. I won't go off my medication suddenly or anything if it does turn out to be a neg; I know I need it right now. I'm just considering other possibilities and hoping that maybe sometime in the future I won't need medication anymore. I will collaborate with my psychiatrist if I do go down on the medication (they are pretty open-minded; I have told them about my APs and everything.)

Here is my story in more detail:

When I was 9 years old, I began to hallucinate a scratching noise in the carpet at the foot of my bed every night. It didn't matter where I slept; it would happen every night without fail and the only thing that seemed to lessen it was either sleeping on the floor in my parent's room, or sleeping with a pillow over my head lol. Whenever I heard this "scratchy noise" (as I dubbed it), it filled me with dread. I am in my 20s now and I still haven't gotten used to it; I am no longer afraid of going to sleep but it does make me afraid to hear it.

When I was 14 I had my first break with reality, and started to believe that all of my friends hated me and that nobody could ever possibly like me. I stopped talking to my friends. For a long time after that, they continued to write me letters of support and encouragement, but I ignored them. I started being homeschooled as I couldn't focus well enough in class to pass.

When I found the psychiatrist that I felt I could trust, they didn't formally diagnose me, even after working with me for quite some time. They said I had an "atypical thought disorder" that they didn't feel they could formally diagnose. I definitely have a thought disorder but it's not like most of the ones that the dr had encountered. For one thing, I do have delusions and paranoias while not on medication, but I always know they aren't real. They're just really persistant. An example would be, one time I saw a screw sticking out of my wall that I hadn't noticed before. My eyesight isn't the best, and at first I thought the blurry black dot on the wall might be a listening device I kept telling myself it wasn't true, and that nobody was spying on me, and a large part of me knew perfectly well that I didn't have to be worried. But the thought was so persistant that I actually had to get up from my computer and walk over and see that it was just a screw, just to get the thoughts to go away. (I call this a "reality check," and while it might provide temporary relief from the persistant false ideas that enter my mind, my mind always seems to come up with new ones to trouble me, if not held in check with medication.)

Another reason that my thought disorder is atypical is because I also am always aware that my hallucinations aren't real. The dr.s I work with have confirmed this. Also, my hallucinations are more the type of thing that you'd experience while having a migraine (one dr told me "it sounds like you're having a migraine without the pain) or a seizure disorder (an EEG showed that I didn't have a seizure disorder, though.) Mostly when I hallucinate I hear beeps and tones or see flashes of blue light,  or hear that scratching noise, although occasionally I will hear voices singing me to sleep at night (omg this is so awesome), or voices saying syllables that I can't decipher.  I can't even tell what syllables they're saying; it's weird, I know I'm hallucinating a voice but the exact syllables they are saying aren't clear. Not sure how to better explain that. There are other hallucinations I've had too, but I only have them every once in a while and so won't go into them.

I have been meditating for a year, 15 mins a day. I can get into what I think is a light trance *sometimes,* and I'm continuing to meditate daily in an effort to improve this ability. One of the times I went into trance, I started to hear the scratchy noise, and I said to myself, hey, why not ask it questions to try and determine what it's about? So I stated mentally, "Scratching noise, what is your origin and your function?" To my suprise I actually did get an answer back. "It represents your fear of (something)," was the thought that entered my mind. Once I got up out of trance I suspiciously forgot the something, but the answer made sense to me that the noise would represent a fear I have - the scratching noise is the only hallucination that I have remained afraid of. The rest of them I consider to be fun or at the very least interesting additions to my life.

In doing some soul-searching I have discovered I actually do have some attachment to my disorder; the hallucinations can be neat and the fact that drs are unable to label my brand of thought-disorder makes me feel kinda special. However most of me would much rather be free of this burden; I could do so much more if I was as intelligent and clear-thinking as I was before I broke, and if my life energies weren't as tied up as they seem to be.

So my question is, where do I start? How do I determine whether the thought disorder is the result of something that is a part of me, or something that is foreign? Also, I would like to use mental excercises mostly to help myself. My reasoning is that while a salt bath may help me, I want to learn how to defend myself using the tools that will be available to me always - my thoughts and willpower. I don't think I'm gonna die anytime soon, but when I do I want to know how to defend myself using purely nonphysical means.

My plan for helping myself thus far is to continue with the meditation until I can induce trance more deeply and more often, and then let the more quiet voice of my intuition that I hope will become apparent in the trance state guide me while I do visualization and dreamwork in order to more fully understand my condition. If I am successful in reducing the symptoms of my thought disorder, I might consider lowering my medication by a bit, then tackling whatever problems arise until I am doing well again, then lowering it a bit more....until (hopefully) I am free of the need for it. What do yall think of that idea? Do yall have any other suggestions?

Thanks for any replies.  

*edited to add that another thing that makes my hallucinations atypical is that I can control them to a degree, with the beeps and tones especially. I can make them louder or quieter, and sometimes I can change what notes they are.

[ews0wn]

While I'm afraid I don't have very much to help you with, I can perhaps relate to your situation. (A bit of a coincidence, because I had thought about this for quite a while this past week, before reading your post just now...)

(I apologize, for you [and others] may find this difficult to read (long, thesaurusized sentences).... but then again, you might not... )


I've had a bit of a time dealing with things loosely described as thought disorders, such as a problem finding words to describe ideas [ironic, if you look at how I write], and trouble concentrating [perhaps partly due to lack of sleep and such]... as well as, most recently, the things I describe below.

It seems that in looking into the idea of the inner voice (same as when you decided to ask the scratching noise about its origin), I had apparently met criteria for schizophrenia. Combine this with the trouble concentrating, and with obscene, objectionable intrusive thoughts coming to mind (more a result of not treating them correctly when they first came about... not really like what's described in PPSD), and it makes for a very interesting condition, despite how I _otherwise_ don't appear to be ill in any way.

Medication never really seemed to improve anything, as far as symptoms went (though others saw generic improvement), and there wasn't very much else in terms of treatment.

As for the intrusive thoughts, and the problems I have with the inner voice (things that it would never do, and so I've always figured were my own mind interfering: Contradicting suggestions ('yes.' 'no!'), things that make no sense at all, objectionable thoughts... etcetera...), I've always had the idea of neg interference in the back of my head, especially when thoughts have become looser and more chaotic, or noticing new moles appearing rather quickly. As such, I always felt that it certainly wouldn't hurt to go about treating them as if they were a neg problem, because they're things I should probably do anyways (meditation / energy work, watching what you eat, ridding of bad influences [those darn comic books and rock music, I tell you], etcetera... also more exotic things, but I don't have PPSD with me right now).

At this point, as things have progressed, I figure that it is perhaps the best thing I can now, since I'm left with little else aside from trying other medications.


So, thus... any ideas you have, again, certainly won't hurt to try. I hear great things coming from meditation and NEW and whatnot. Perhaps work towards a conscious projection out-of-body (it sounds like you've had spontaneous OBEs; correct me if I'm wrong), or PPSD, if you haven't already. You seem to have quite a start already, given the degree of your symptoms and your progress with meditating.

Just remember to be careful about what you're doing (at least it's not any worse than it already is), and let your doctors in on how it goes.


Hope you found this readable enough to be useful...

~

[Rahzul]

Thanks for your reply, ews0wn. It wasn't hard to read. =) Thanks for sharing your experiences.

I have had OBEs, but I have never been able to induce the right trance state on purpose. Usually I just take advantage of the lucid, semi-conscious state I find myself in as I wake up in the morning. But I haven't found myself in that state in a while =/ so I'm continuing to work towards being able to produce it at will.

I have Astral Dynamics, and have considered doing the energy work they describe in there. I would much rather devote what time I have to meditate to that, though, for now. I appreciate the advice, maybe sometime in the future I will start on New Energy Ways. It certainly couldn't hurt. I do notice that sometimes in semi-conscious states I get into as I fall asleep I seem to do some sort of energy movement with my mind, but I'm not sure if that's what it is or why I do it. I should look into that further.

[The Present Moment]

Are your hallucinations occurring during normal waking states? I ask because you say these scratching sounds were first associated with sleep.

Your description of paranoid thoughts reminds me of my own (somewhat disordered) thinking around anxiety. I have found mindfulness helpful in mitigating the emotional reaction, but not the thoughts.

I would like a little more detail on the lights, sounds, and other hallucinations you have. Do the beeps and tones sound like any particular electronic device or musical instrument? Are the blue lights ambient or localized, and do they appear in 3D space or within the 2D plane of your field of vision?

Sorry for all the  :question:  :question:  :question: 's.  

[Rahzul]

NP's about the questions.

The hallucinations occur more often during the hypnogogic and hypnopompic states, but they occur during the waking state throughout the day as well.

While I'm walking around in waking life I often hear beeps and tones, going rapidly up and down the musical scale; they would be annoying in their semi-repetitiveness if they weren't so fascinating to me. They sound sort of like the beeps you hear when a cell-phone is ringing. Actually I used to hallucinate what sounded exactly like cell-phone ringtones, those are gone now though.

I also here more steady tones, these I find I am able to influence by thinking about what I want them to sound like. These sound sort of flute-like but not exactly.

As for the blue flashes, they would appear and disappear very quickly, but they were sort of like a blue splotch with bumpy borders, as if somehow splotched hastily with a paintbrush onto my field of vision. It would superimpose itself over my field of vision for a moment, and then disappear. It wasn't 3D at all, it would just appear superimposed over whatever I was looking at, usually not in the center of my field of vision.

When I get very tired or sometimes even when I'm thinking clearly I will see textures on things that I know are smooth. For instance I was looking at the cable that connected the mouse to the computer at the library the other day, and it looked like it had a texture of squares on it from 2 or more feet away, but when I looked closer at it I was able to see (and feel) that it was very smooth. Another thing that gave away that it was a hallucination was that the wire wasn't lying straight on the table, it was curved back and forth - and the texture didn't conform to the curving of the wire; it was again as if the texture was just superimposed onto my vision on top of the wire. I have also looked at a wooden door from about 8 feet away and it seemed as if I could see every grain of wood in the door - this is hard to explain but it just felt as if I was seeing the door in greater resolution than is ordinarily possible.

There is one hallucination I used to have a lot, but it has decreased in frequency a good deal. I would only have it as I was going to sleep. I would hear a chorus of ethereal, other-worldly sounding female voices singing me to sleep. I could never tell what the tune was very well, and could tell even less what they were saying, but it was, even so, beautiful otherworldly "music."

Oftentimes I related my experiences and hallucinations to my more open-minded friends, and in many cases the response is something like "Well, yeah. I have had experiences like that before....but I was on acid." I like to say that I "trip on my own brain chemistry" (when the experience is nice, anyway.) Oftentimes it feels like my surroundings are magical in some way, as if I should start seeing fairies or other magical creatures at any moment. I never do actually end up seeing anything like that, but the feeling can remain in the air for quite some time if I work to sustain it. It is actually quite nice. My experiences are not always fun, though, and so I feel I need more insight into them.

[The Present Moment]

Thank you for adding those details. I've definitely had sleep related hallucinations, in fact I just posted an account of two recent ones.

What happens if you listen to one type of sound (speech, music, electronics, etc.) frequently throughout the day? That usually causes me to hear the same sound while in the hypnogogic state.

I occasionally (once per week) see something similar to those blue flashes: a pale lavender splotch, which always appears outside the center of my vision, and vanishes when I try to stare at it.

That is all really fascinating to me. Have you had any tests of your physical chemistry? I wonder if it could be caused by an excess of a natural chemical in your brain.

[Rahzul]

What happens if you listen to one type of sound (speech, music, electronics, etc.) frequently throughout the day? That usually causes me to hear the same sound while in the hypnogogic state.

That used to happen to me, but doesn't anymore.

That is all really fascinating to me. Have you had any tests of your physical chemistry? I wonder if it could be caused by an excess of a natural chemical in your brain.

No, and I think a Dr. once told me that they have no way to test brain chemistry with live people. =/ But that was about 7 years ago so maybe they can now. I do know they have tested it in the bodies of people who have committed suicide, which is how they know that some depressed people have less serotonin receptors (or something like that) than healthier people. I have had an MRI to rule out brain tumors, and an EEG to rule out having a seizure disorder.

Also, although my auditory hallucinations can be complex, my visual ones are usually pretty simple - blobs of light and points of light and "illusions" (slight changes in the apparent texture of an object or things like that.) I've never hallucinated anything as complex as a person or a mole-creature, thankfully.

I find this really fascinating too. =) It's good to be able to talk about my experiences with people, like I can here. I don't mind questions, ask away hehe.

[nursehealer]

You seem to be a very intelligent, articulate, resourceful person. I think you are asking the right questions. You just have to learn how to discern the answers from your inner self.

As a nurse and someone who has overcome depression with personal experience with various antidepressants, my first impression would be that the slight impediment to clearheadedness is a side effect of medication or medication interaction with other meds or even herbs and vitamins. I'd begin ruling out possibilities there. And I'd use the rule-out method to discover many of the answers you're seeking. Start with the most obvious possible answer. Examine it to exhaustive lengths with every possible consideration. If you then can rule that one thing out as a possibility, move on to the next one. You seem to be pretty good at this. Keep it up.

I never referred to my experiences as a psychotic break; but that's an interesting term. Twice in my younger years after a major horrible experience I was so severly depressed that I could not even finish a single sentence. I was grown and married; but my communication (and all mental function) was severly impaired, and it took a few years to get back to normal. The first time I didn't get help; but recovered by stubbornness more than anything. The second time was a year of psychological therapy, psychiatric treatment, and a number of attempts at various antidepressants. I'm not saying that to tell my "story". I just want to share with you that a major depressive episode can definitely cause many of the symptoms you described (including paranoia and delusions) by altering brain chemistry. It can take a long time for that brain chemistry to return to normal, and that with medication, sunshine, exercise, and will power like few people understand. Now that's where I have a real story to tell; but that's for another time. You demonstrate that type of will power and desire to restore your brain to optimum chemistry. I believe this is a real possibility.

I certainly don't recommend stopping medication. You obviously know that an abrupt change like that would throw your brain chemistry into a tailspin and cause you bigger problems that would impede your progress dramatically. However, I think it's good to examine possible alternate explanations for specific perceptions and experiences. This can still follow the rule-out method of examining a possibility in astounding detail and thoroughness so as to consider with an open mind even the most remote possibility and entertain even outrageous ideas. The reason this is helpful is that one-by-one, you rule out possible explanations until what you have left is the most reasonable answer. Entertaining possibilities that you might normally throw out as ridiculous is helpful in two ways: First, it helps you to practice being open-minded so that you don't dismiss real possibilities without examination, and Second, it gives you an easy possibility to consider and mark off your list, which helps you to feel more confident about your analysis of other possibilities. Successfully ruling out possibilities instills confidence in your ability to discern. Success breeds success.

Take one phenomena at a time. The scratching noise, for example. Break it down, then analyze it.
What: a scratching noise
Where: in the carpet at the foot of the bed (any bed)
When: every night (esp. during hypnagogic/hypnopomic states)
Feeling associated with it: dread, fear
Relieved (partially) by: sleeping on the floor in parent's room or w/pillow over head

Close your eyes, and release all thoughts of this world. Empty your mind. Then answer the question, "What does a scratching noise represent?" (Not what does THIS scratching noise represent; but ANY scratching noise.) Ponder that for a bit, and write your impressions in a journal. Then release those thoughts and move on for now.

Repeat the exercise and think of what carpet represents; not any particular carpet - just carpet. You may be surprised at some of the strange free association words and phrases that will pop into your mind. Just write them all down. Don't analyze or second guess them. I don't care if you write down peppermint, olives, purple, and Oklahoma. Whatever pops into your mind, just jot it down and move on.

When you get to the feelings of dread and fear, ask yourself things like, "When do I feel dread?" "What makes me feel fear?" "What feels like dread to me?" "What has the same feeling as fear?" Put as many answers as come to you, and don't analyze or try to make things up.

Document your impressions of every aspect of the scratching noise experience. Then put your journal away for a bit. When you feel refreshed, meditate for a bit, then open your journal and look for what stands out in your entries. See what ties together and what leeps off the paper into your mind. You will begin to formulate an interpretation of your experience on a higher level than you have ever known. This will begin your journey to examining possibilities that you might not have reached before because you were too caught up in the experience to listen to your subtle inner voice that was trying to give you a clue about life.

Meditating is difficult for me, too; but I make the effort daily as well. My mind is just too scattered (Attention Deficit Disorder) and busy to allow me to be a master of meditation. However, it does help to quiet the mind as much as possible and it enhances my prayer experience and opens my mind to receive spiritual guidance and psychic impressions. I love that you had the experience of hearing yourself answer your question. Your inner spirit knows what your subconscious clearly understands. As you tap into your own psyche you will discover that you know great truths that can be brought into conscious thought by simply asking yourself questions and quietly waiting for your mind to answer. It's easy to be afraid to trust our inner voice; but once we learn how to recognize our inner truth, we can find marvellous guidance for life's journey.

Do you also have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder? Two of my children and I have this to varying degrees; but didn't know each other did the same things until a few years ago. The screw in the wall and the tones made me think of this for some reason.

I don't think I've ever run across anyone as inherently self-aware as you. I would love to follow your progress as you continue this journey of self-realization. I hope you'll write a book of your experiences. You can put my on your mailing list to purchase it when you publish.

One thing that has helped me to tap into my subconscious a bit is lucid dreaming. Have you ever practiced this? It is a way of controlling your dreams for various purposes. One benefit of lucid dreaming is that you can bring into your dreams anyone you can imagine and converse with them or go anywhere you would like to go. Many times what we have successfully done in our dreams can be easily repeated while awake; so it can be a tool for self-discovery.

I can suggest some alternate possibilities for some of your other experiences; but I think it's best for you to examine for yourself at this time. I hope you will share some more with us.

You are right to choose to defend yourself by thoughts and willpower. Not only is that good advice for practical reasons; but using the power of thought puts a positive force into the act of self-defense. I found that all the salt, herbs, candles, crystals, and every other tool that might be used for psychic self-defense put a negative force into effect because it drew my focus to arming myself against attack or warding off evil rather than surrounding myself with peace, joy, and warm, protective energy. I tried many things in attempting to understand and find a way to live with the strange phenomena in my life. In the end, I have found that meditative prayer and the power of word and thought are the best tools for me. I know lots of people who use lots of other tools, and I do not mean to suggest that they are wrong to use them. We each use what we are comfortable with when we need them. I learned lots from all those experiences. It is quite comforting to know, though, that I carry my tools of defense with me wherever I go because they are within me.

[Rahzul]

Thanks for your suggestions, nursehealer. It sounds like you have come up with a good way to deliberately practice curiosity about the self, I think I will use those ideas too.

Do you also have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder? Two of my children and I have this to varying degrees; but didn't know each other did the same things until a few years ago. The screw in the wall and the tones made me think of this for some reason.

I don't think so, but I would describe the delusional thoughts as compulsive because of their insistance on being thought despite me knowing they are not true.

One thing that has helped me to tap into my subconscious a bit is lucid dreaming. Have you ever practiced this?

Yeah, I have about one lucid dream every week to two weeks. I usually waste the opportunity though because I haven't set down specific goals for what I want to do with them. There are lots of things I want to do, I just haven't really set them in my mind so that I remember them while lucid. Usually I just have fun and fly around or whatever. I ought to write down what I want to do on a peice of paper and read it before I go to bed every night, for some reason I haven't done this.

I was meditating the other night, and the scratchy noise presented itself again. This time I listened to my inner voice and made sure to remember what it told me. "It represents your fear of...." at first I returned my focus to my breath and didn't hear the end of the phrase. Then I realized what I was doing and listened - and it said, "It represents your fear of CHANGE," the "change" bursting out loudly in my mind, as if it really resented being held back / forgotten. I still don't remember if that's what my inner voice said the first time, but it felt as if it was. I thanked my intuition and continued to meditate.