Christmastime

[personalreality]

Hey all.

I hope everyone had a good christmas (or equivalent winter celebration).

I had a relatively good christmas, but some things weren't so great.  Some things happened with my fiancee's family that made me feel really unwelcome and unloved.  I've been with her for 6 1/2 years, engaged for 2 and I really believed that I was a part of the family.  In fact, I have been told numerous times that I was considered part of the family by many of the family members.  But this holiday did not reinforce that sentiment.  I'm not really gonna go into it all, but the end result was me feeling like I wasn't a part of the family.  And it wasn't anything like someone saying "well you're not part of the family", it was worse than that.  It was the subtle, unspoken behavior that really hurts people deep down that i experienced today, those unconscious actions that let you know how people really feel.  And as contented and accepting and open as I normally am, this was apparently too much even for me.  I usually don't take offense about anything.  I mean, what's the point.  Usually you're the only one who suffers when you let yourself feel offended by something.  But today, I was genuinely hurt.  Like deep down in my heart hurt.  I actually cried today, something I haven't done from hurt feelings in a long time.  I really haven't felt hurt like this in a long time. 

I'm not wallowing in it, I'm not getting angry about it, I'm not holding a grudge.  But it still hurts.  I really care about these people and love them like they were my own and that feeling wasn't reciprocated when i thought it would be. 

anyway, i just needed to share my day with someone who isn't involved and even though i don't know any of you in person, i feel like you guys are always supportive of me and all the other members of the pulse.  so, thanks for letting me share.

[interception]

Hmmm, it does seem like a grudge of some kind is inevitable. Maybe you *should* get angry about it and let THEM know how this has affected you. Just choose the right time for it.

It seems like something that you actually do care about deeply and it needs to be directly confronted. I'm going to assume this is affecting your relationship with your fiancee and that you are unsure why they are acting like this. If yes, this needs to be scraped open nice and wide. No subtle tile left unturned. If people gets upset well then so be it. The reasons for their behavior needs to be spoken out loud, as uncomfy as that may or may not be for you.

Not having more detail can make me seem like Im speaking out of my arse, so I apologize for that in advance... but the suggestion is universal I think. Get angry man! If it hurts, don't keep it inside brotha! 

[Tiny]

i lost my beloved apartment on the countryside and friendship with half my family this year which i am not too unhappy about (finally done with these mofos)... bonk them, all those who think they can forcefully impose their wills upon one another. Let em go to their private hells they've created for themselves! 2010 - hell year for many! Let's see 2011  
Can't wait what 2011 will bring to the corrupt ones  .

kind regards,

Paul

[personalreality]

you're probably right interception.

but actually, my fiancee totally agrees with me.  she thinks the whole situation is bonked up as well.  her, her mom and her sister all agree.  it's the rest of her family. 

[Xanth]

PR,

I'm sorry you had to experience that.  It's definitely never fun being on that end of things... I'd actually hope that nobody is on either end of it really.
With that said, I do hope you and your new/future extended family can become one unit together. 

I spent Xmas with my girlfriends family this year... passing on my own family's dinner this time.  They've always been very receptive of me.  I hope it remains that way in the years to come.

i lost my beloved apartment on the countryside and friendship with half my family this year which i am not too unhappy about (finally done with these mofos)... bonk them, all those who think they can forcefully impose their wills upon one another. Let em go to their private hells they've created for themselves! 2010 - hell year for many! Let's see 2011  
Can't wait what 2011 will bring to the corrupt ones  .

kind regards,

Paul

Tiny... I now understand your actions even better now.  Thank you for sharing that. 

[Stevenson]

I'm very sorry that this happened PR, I can't imagine how you feel. I'm sure things will improve, hopefully sooner rather then later

[moondreamer]

Sorry that happened PR.  I have had this happen before too, and it feels really awful.  Try concentrating your energies on the ones who do accept and love you.

Angie

[Tiny]

Tiny... I now understand your actions even better now.  Thank you for sharing that.  Smiley

I'm glad we understand each other and I can bring a bit of contrast to the scene 


kind regards,

Paul

[personalreality]

thanks for the kind words guys.

i just needed to get it out.  i couldn't really talk about it to anyone and i just needed to say it.

[CFTraveler]

Hi pr.
We also had some drama unfold last night- maybe it's what the expectations of the whole 'family get together' do to people.
Anyway, I hope everything works out.
C.

[personalreality]

i mean, i'm not going to pursue the matter any further.  it just upset me at the time.  but whatever.  i don't have to be around those people if i don't want to and my fiance supports my decision.  so it's cool.

[Everlasting]

Don't celebrate yule with them next year.

[personalreality]

i certainly won't   

[AstralBeginnings]

Hey PR, you mentioned that your Fiancee, her mother and her sister all support and agree with you.  I am not sure if theres a father on the scene, but at the end of the day your fiancee, her mother and her sisters opinions are pretty much the most important so I say screw the rest.  You dont need them and certainly not worth the effort if they make you feel bad.

[Stookie]

That sucks PR. People should have their hearts open at Christmas. It seems lots of families get like this though. I know I've seen it before (past girlfriends). Most of my family lives 1200 miles away and I never see them at Christmas, but from what I hear, things haven't been all that great with them - lots of family disagreements, some weren't even going.

This year was the smallest, yet most enjoyable Christmas I've had in years. I think because it was just me and my Mom and Dad, so there were few presents to deal with (commercialism sucks), and then we just ate and laughed, and went to see "True Grit" which we all loved. Simple and easy and enjoyable. I'm cherishing it because next year will probably be another big one with a lots of traveling and stress.

[personalreality]

how was true grit?

i used to watch it with my dad all the time as a kid, but my mom said the new one follows the book a lot more than the old one.  i'm really hyped to see it.

[Stookie]

It was sweet! Jeff Bridges is amazing, as is the 14 year old girl in it. Coen brothers never disappoint. And yes, it's really a telling of the book than a remake of the John Wayne film.

[skiax]

PR,
     Remember that it is you who gets to define what family is. It's not fixed as you know. Currently, as an idea, we give biology primacy. But thats just one of many ideas about what family is. One could almost say, in a way, that these forums and the people who populate them are a family of sorts.
                                                                                                                       The Best Of Fortune To You In The New Year,
                                                                                                                                                                                     skiax-Jim

[Lunarvegan]

I despise Christmas. Just thinking about it makes me want to have an anxiety attack. Everyone is so critical, I'm either too fat or too skinny... This year I was too fat, and needed to work out nonstop and eat even less (I'm a vegan...). I'm never talkative enough, I should be "cured" of my Schizophrenia by now... I often wish I could just curl up in a corner and die. Its the day of the year I dread most. *sigh*