What has happened to me and my life? For Better or Worse?!

[WhoAmI]

Hi, I'm new to Astral Pulse (great site, glad I found it!) and new to the metaphysical, of which I began to learn about earlier this year. Prior to that I had very little spirituality in my life. I'm Australian, 19, and finished highschool last year (passed by 1.5% or maybe less). This year (2010) was very stressful for me, as I tried to balance a busy social life with study, I didn't play my cards right, smoked too much weed, dumped my girlfriend even though I still felt for her, and ended up with depression.

This depression, minor as it was (it only seems minor retrospectively, as I have endured worse since then, but I'll get to that...), lasted me until maybe a few months ago. Long story short, I had a mushroom trip where I felt like my consciousness retracted into myself, I was afraid to do anything, I mean anything, emotionally I felt nothing. At the same time, I felt hyper aware of everything, my thoughts in my head were so loud if I concentrated I could actually hear my inner monologue. It was 2 or 3 days later that I did shrooms again, this time with my 2 closest mates and in a safe environment. Prior to the trip, I couldn't even talk to them. We were sitting in the room, and everything I tried to say my voice would trail off mid-sentence, as if I felt like I had said something really stupid, or as if there was no point to even talking.

Then something happened, that I still can't explain to this day and was hoping someone on here could explain for me. As I came up on the mushrooms, I felt this feeling in my body... Perhaps around my sacral chakra? I can't remember too well. It was as if this feeling was overriding my negative ones, until my entire body felt alot lighter, I moved with more co-ordination, I could sing with confidence and talk about whatever came into my head without a second thought. I became suddenly very in control of myself and the situation, overcome with joy due to the lack of fear and regret. I felt like I suddenly had the capacity to communicate with others like I SHOULD be able to, I felt like I could do anything, I've never felt that good I could go on. I felt like I could understand other people a lot better too, understanding why others behave a certain way more clearly because I wasn't automatically using negative assumptions and stereotypes like I had previously. I had truly ascended to a new level of consciousness, and I felt ridiculously confident and content.

I'll make a long story short, the last few months for me have been pretty awful. I won't go into details but this change in me affected my friends, I think they thought I was being arrogant or something, they treated me like a "dog" for a while, kind of excluding me from the group and giving each other funny looks when I was around, till eventually I became very paranoid, treated this change in me like a liability which in turn seemed to reverse its affects... My relationships with my family members and friends were badly affected, and all the while I was perfectly aware of the situation but at the same time it felt as if all my actions made it worse - my paranoid behavior only aroused suspicion, which in turn fed my paranoid behavior. My personality changed ALOT on the outside, but on the inside I felt like the same person I'd always been trying to express myself, in vain. I would ALWAYS blame myself for others unhappiness.

This lasted months, it has only been the last few days I feel like I have come back to 'reality' in the sense that I can communicate better, understand my feelings better and overall feel more wholesome. I still don't really know WTF happened and if this story really makes any sense, but I would love an evaluation from someone with more knowledge of the metaphysical than myself. Please ask questions too, I probably haven't been clear on a lot of this. 

[Lionheart]

 I would say you had an awakening. I know what you mean about your friends alienating you. The more I learn about Phasing the more I realize humanity's problems. I find myself looking down on people as well, but because of their ignorance of knowledge and their blindless plights. I see how people's minds are so occupied by greed and materialism, but I also see the culprits for this. Every place you turn you are being brainwashed by advertising. Their newest technique is to belittle people and attack ego, to show you you are not cool unless you own this, buy this, do this. Young people especially are being targeted because they don't want to stand out. The Smith and Jones effect is incredibly strong right now, we have become a monkey see monkey do world. I read about about all this Cyber Bullying garbage going on, the answer is to that is really quite easy. Don't have a Facebook site, don't text, problem solved. For some reason it is now a prerequisite of being a teen to have your own Social Networking Site. When I was a kid the bullying was done face to face, kids need to learn that they can just turn the electronic garbage off. There is no rule book that says you have mimic what everyone else does. Who cares if people don't think your cool, that's their loss. But coming into your awakening you are now seeing what's really going on around you. Some times I feel that I am standing higher then others while in a crowd. I find myself guilty of looking at others in a different light now, but only briefly because I also realize that their life is their own reality. They have chose it and are now progressing at their own rate. I just wish people would think more. I now have a store in a mall for Christmas. Yesterday during Black Friday there was such a frenzy it was horrible. The web is definitely at fault here. For the last 3 weeks they have been drilling into people's heads to get out and shop. But, yesterday they had an article online saying "5 reason not to go out on Black Friday", what a major contradiction. If people actually thought about they would realize that #1 A door buster is only for the first 20-100 people. #2 the Sales they now have will be there next week as well #3 Most companies raise their prices 3 weeks before Black Friday, just to lower them as being onsale and #4 When you go out in a shopping frenzy you buy way more than you expected to in the first place. Hence the word Frenzy. Anyways as you can tell people make me sick today, sorry for the rant! I guess I didn't see enough smiles today, that's what a happens in a frenzy.

[WhoAmI]

I thought it was an awakening as well, and even if it was at the time, the incredibly positive way it made me feel has gone, even though the awareness remains. The paranoia, shame, and guilt got rid of the positive feelings, I wondering If I become un-awakened (if that's possible) or during this paranoid time my ego got a foothold again. If so, how can I work on this? What meditation techniques would be recommended?

And yes, Black Friday is a grave indication of the primitive pack-animal behaviour of America's consumer-whores. And this is just for some discounts on X-box's and SD cards... Imagine how these people would behave during a depression or time of war. Probably wouldn't handle themselves all to well when their materialistic needs are on the line... :S

[pondini]

i have ridden high on past experiences, only to slowly drift back down to the discomforts that life presents us. the euphoria fades and we are left with memories that we seek to replicate. i think this is all necessary to growing as a person. don't beat yourself up; look at it as a learning opportunity, a necessity. use it to understand the people around you and yourself. it is the road to advancement. meet the challenge:)

[Demigod]

Oh man, shrooms.. My all-time favorite expierience from things I've tried. The Mexican shrooms were the best. So sunny, full with a laugh. I remember I felt like a snake for a moment and was creeping over the sofa. 

[bluremi]

Mushrooms can be a strong agent for change, but not always a good one. "Awakening" implies that you suddenly see a truth that wasn't there before, but it is easy to confuse a new perception or point-of-view with the objective  "truth." That your experiences made you act strangely and negatively around your friends and family suggests that perhaps you were not ready for a sudden and broad change in perspective.

Such drugs tend to detach you from your ego, and the sense of broad perspective and uninhibited/enhanced perception create a state of mind that many meditators only achieve after years of guidance and training from an experienced guru. When such states occur suddenly and without preparation (often through drug use or through brain injury), what would have been a welcome and beautiful experience for a seasoned practitioner can be terrifying and overwhelming for the debutante.

What I got from your post is a great sense of confusion. You are self-aware in some very useful ways but it seems like you are unable to recognize your transitory mental states very well, and thus each new state seems to be "correct" and "permanent" while you experience it, until you move on to the next one. Does what I'm saying resonate with you at all? Do you feel like you are missing a baseline from which to measure your feelings and experiences?

It's worrying that your personality changed for many months. If you have a history of mental illness or depression in your family you should definitely not do any drugs like mushrooms or acid. Try meditating instead: it will keep you grounded when you struggle to deal with your feelings, or when you are unsure of what you should do or say. The website here has a very simple and effective meditation method that anyone can do:

www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html

[WhoAmI]

What I got from your post is a great sense of confusion. You are self-aware in some very useful ways but it seems like you are unable to recognize your transitory mental states very well, and thus each new state seems to be "correct" and "permanent" while you experience it, until you move on to the next one. Does what I'm saying resonate with you at all? Do you feel like you are missing a baseline from which to measure your feelings and experiences?

Thankyou a lot for your post. Yes, at this stage, my personality is returning to what it used to be, rather than moving away from. But this paragraph rang very true with how I feel now - ready to move on, but struggling with grasping onto a self image. I will look at the meditation link.