For Men

[WalkerInTheWoods]

I think that if we restrict ourselves too much and have this long list of requirements we may miss someone good standing right infront of us. And what we want may not always be what is best for us.

[atalanta]

Hi,

I don't think there is a male or female angle on this topic.  I think that both men and women look for the same thing.  I am talking here about looking for a long term relationship.

I think the old idea of treating the person the way you would want to be dealt with is the central idea.  Whether you are male or female you want to be appreciated for who you are individually and what you bring into the relationship.  I think you want to know that this person will stand by you when you are sick or in a bad way.  That they can cling off your body, mind and spirit in the good times and the bad, which is part of the vows that most couples marrying take.  That they will be slow to being angry and judging you and quick to forgive.  That there is a sense that the two of you are on a life journey together where there is trust and safety within that relationship.

My mum came to Australia in the 60s to marry my dad without ever having met him.  She just had a photo and knew that he came from a respectable family.  They are still married 45 years later and eventhough they still fight like Frank and Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond, you also know they would be lost without each other.  Their love is not a romantic love, where looks, intellect or perfection count.  Its based on the idea of this is 'my person' as the Greeks say.  A sense of identifying with and belonging to someone, where the successes and failures of life are faced as a team and where you are judged as a team.  

Few relationships are like that now because everyone has a list of what they are looking for.  Throw away the list and form a relationship with a real person, warts and all.

[:X]

[Neoatticus]

quote:Hi,

I don't think there is a male or female angle on this topic. I think that both men and women look for the same thing. I am talking here about looking for a long term relationship.

I think the old idea of treating the person the way you would want to be dealt with is the central idea. Whether you are male or female you want to be appreciated for who you are individually and what you bring into the relationship. I think you want to know that this person will stand by you when you are sick or in a bad way. That they can cling off your body, mind and spirit in the good times and the bad, which is part of the vows that most couples marrying take. That they will be slow to being angry and judging you and quick to forgive. That there is a sense that the two of you are on a life journey together where there is trust and safety within that relationship.

My mum came to Australia in the 60s to marry my dad without ever having met him. She just had a photo and knew that he came from a respectable family. They are still married 45 years later and eventhough they still fight like Frank and Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond, you also know they would be lost without each other. Their love is not a romantic love, where looks, intellect or perfection count. Its based on the idea of this is 'my person' as the Greeks say. A sense of identifying with and belonging to someone, where the successes and failures of life are faced as a team and where you are judged as a team.

Few relationships are like that now because everyone has a list of what they are looking for. Throw away the list and form a relationship with a real person, warts and all.

   Thanx. That was really deep. That you have such insight tells me that you are obviously a very mature individual. I think all of us would benefit from what you said...If we all take it to heart.
   I totally agree with you. It doesn't really matter if a person meets 'Your Standard' if they are a person of quality. I know it sounds as if I'm contradicting myself, but I really have no other way to describe it. When you are with the right person, you just know.
    And it doesn't matter if they're funny, smart, talented, beautiful, or able to perform household chores. Really, when you think about it, these are all things that our society has pushed on us as the gold standard, the way all people should be judged. It's really sad that we aren't able to see past all of these ideals, to really see people for the unique person they really are.
    I hope that I can stop myself the next time I try to 'classify' or put them up against some ideal standard that I've set for myself.
    I'm sorry If I rambled on a bit, It just happens with me sometimes.[] Thank you for hearing me out and thank you atalanta for point these things out.

[Fat_Turkey]

I have two viewpoints on this.

First, my cynical view:
Both men and women are subject of thinking they want something out of eachother when in actual fact they have no bloody idea, and are subject to the whims of chemistry, pharamones, and simple horniness.

Second, my deeper view:
As far as I see it, relationships are full of crap. Romance is a form of manipulation, and my partner wouldn't be somebody I would manipulate and vice versa. Our relationship would be simple and a lot like a friendship, perhaps with a bit of somethin on the side[]

Both of us would be deep thinkers, spiritual people with open-minded personalities but we wouldn't accept just anybody's bulls**t if they came across and claimed it to the world. She would have a sense of humour like mine but different. Interests like mine but different. Alike me but not so alike that we would be the same. Growth is important. And if you sit there and are both exactly the same, there is no growth. But, at the same time, similarity is important to be able to communicate, think, and "be" at the same sort of level, to encourage growth as well.

Of course, she would have to at least look good to me. I don't want to sound shallow, but it is rather difficult for me to go for someone that doesn't do it for me. But I have "easy" standards compared to most guys. I don't just go for the sticks with big breasts and nice asses.

And finally, she'd have to be able to use a damned computer. Girls who play video games or use computers have always seemed to me as being more intelligent, resistent to modern society's bulls**t, and more independent. And those are some of the most important qualities I look for. Plus, video games rule, and when you can play with a spouse it's better.

Just a few of my many pennies
~FT

[Kindred One]

Since we have so much male attention here, I would like to impart a little female wisdom that proves to be inVALuable for the man who takes it to heart:  Make the woman happy.  At all times.  If she is a good one (IF), she will be so happy & grateful, that she gives back twice as much.  You should never want for anything if you please her right.  (Not just in the bedroom.)[][]

[WalkerInTheWoods]

Impressive, atalanta.

At this point, I no longer give a rat's patootie what a woman looks like. If a woman is beautiful within then that beautiful will shine through as you get to know the woman. Which is more important, the pretty wrapping paper and bows or the present within?

If one is not happy, then they cannot make others happy. One must first be happy with themself before they can make their partner happy. Ultimately though, only you can make yourself happy or miserable. Your partner can just make this easier on you.

[Kindred One]

I completely agree that only we are responsible for our own happiness, emotions, et al.  No one really can make us sad, happy, angry, etc., and it is neither healthy, productive, nor mature to look to another to "complete" you.  But, my personal feeling--only mine-- is that it's the man's job to please the woman- first.  As soon as he Gets that, providing, like I said, he's with a "good" woman, he will get back At Least what he gave, and all is goood.  Too many men let thier short-sighted egos get in the way of fully understanding this, and in that, neither one will ever Really get what they want.  (providing it is a healthy thing they want.)

[WalkerInTheWoods]

And too many women are too worried about keeping score or getting theirs. Who cares who pleases who first. If both partners strive to please each other then there is little room to worry about who got theirs when.

[Kindred One]

...I'm not sure how it works or why; it just seems like a Universal Law.  I think it's a wisdom-thing; when ego gives way, it just becomes Truth.  That ego will get ya, though, and it takes putting it down to see that others have, too.  Until that happens, everything looks and sounds like an attack.

[WalkerInTheWoods]

So true, ego can stand in the way of many things, especially happiness. But men are not the only ones with egos.

[Kindred One]

Of course not~  if you're human, you've got one.  The best thing to strive for is to leave it at the door.  Obviously, easier said than executed.  But whenever possible, all benefit.

[manuel]

So lads, in the name of fairness and ballance what do you look for in a partner what ever that is a girl or a guy ...