(flashback) Seeds of thoughts as i look into the darkness

[Fourthdimension]

Hey People , Well I aint posted in a long while and since I last did my life has went through drastic changes and i feel  i must first  describe these changes in order to be more specific. Although the extra info i have included might not be relevant i have included it just incase it is.

A change in thought process and a switch from been highly spiritual and projecting often and having efficent dream recall to been not as spiritual and having inefficient dream recall if any and some projections but without been able to recall them (I know wierd to explain how i can say projections without recall because without recall how do you know you projected).

As for diet i went from been 13stone 9 too 9 stone 9 in three months i started using ephedrine then stopped , cannabis then stopped and now amphetimine (not meth) the reason i use phet is becase i want to develop a bettter body to be brief and so use it too train

Also i have got aspergers syndrome and people with aspergers tend to be prone to bi-polar or depression and although i have drastic mood swings i cant say i am depressive in general just over contemplative and i cant say I hhave bi-polar at all.

With that said I would like to start to describe what brung upon the thoughts I am about to describe...............

Saturday 14:00hr I woke up and Last ate at 23:00 hours on Saturday before going home from work at 01:00hr Sunday morning and smoking alot (not cannabis or intoxicating substances) and Snorting 1gram of Amphetimines from coming home till 16:00 hours Sunday. The last time I had drunk any liquid was about 04:00 hours Sunday morning and from I spent all of time from Sunday 01:00 till 04:00 hours Saturday on the laptop chatting and went a total of 38 hours without sleep, 36 hours without food and about 24 hours without water

As I woke up 12:00 Monday morning and went to the shop for food and coffee.
I got home and was arguing/discussing something with my friend when i had what i think is a dream recall....I dont usually recall dreams in this way but for a second i had thought something or something was said that bought me to this memory that i felt submerged in and then when i clicked back to reality i could still see it like a screen over my eyes but i could still see everything normally but i could see this mental imagery of the screen and on the screen i felt like it was me but everything about *him was different but down at the core i knew he was me just not in this reality but i couldnt see the screen and it was all blurred but it felt like i already knew what was happening i just couldnt tune into it and I believe it to be a dream recall i believed that if i could pluck the strings in my memory and find a relation between me and the screen then i could once again submerge my self into the dream imagery and recall it in my physical waking state.

I have had this a few times and it happened alot when i was 15 ,16 years old and when i can recall the dream it makes me feel an amazing feeling of inspiration,motivation,love ,happiness,perfection,understanding its like all those combined and its like the feeling we call butterflies but this time i couldnt recall it but in my stomache it still gives me a feeling i cant describe nor determine what it is.

Anyhow , I told my friend about this and this lead us to stop arguing because we just talked about that out of interest and then I was apologising for my behaviour and said am not just like that with you recently I have been like this with everyone avoidant of people , feeling lost , without hope, down, unmotivated and uncaring not only uncaring that i feel that way but turning from been very caring person who gets attatched to people and adds sentiment to everything to been very objective about people like not attaching meaning or sentiment and in general the feeling of been lost while seeing so many routes to take but doesnt know which one so i just sit down and not take any (all though sitting down not making a choice may be a route in itself)

From this i told her i remember when this started and it wasnt just in the last month (it has been only a physical manifestation in the last month until then these feelings ande life style was not significantly present in my life) It started sometime near the start of the year........(as if scrying my memory) It was January ....Mid January , from about the 20th or round about that time...........

My friend asked what happened for things to get as they are.........was it Minor event A(I dont wish to disclose this) ......No i said thats irrelevant it was ..... I dunno what it was ....Then i remember but my answer is nonsense..."its the darkness and the cold".....I dont directly remember this event I remember in January feeling this and It felt like In 2007 November which bought me into this state of lost and depressive from november 2007 till september 2008.

I know there has been times before November in 2007 this has happened but in 2007 i remember clearly what happened.
I had cycled 20 miles to kayak and then when i finished kayaking i realised my  bike had broke and it was 7pm , dark, cold and i had ate all my food and drank all my drink and had left my money at home so i had to walk 20 miles home with the bike and 2 stone rucksack along the beach and i was feeling inadequate to my own self image of having endurance stronger than steel and motivated ect because i realised i was weaker than i thought which lead me to been low in moral and I was looking out at the ocean at the darkness because thats all there was blackness and I thought life was worthless there is nothing and no hope and me myself and life in general is worthless whats the point in doing anything when in the end there is nothing and it felt like there was something in the darkness not a manifestation of anything maybe just the  darkness itself that makes me feel like this that plants a thought in my head like this

I was thinking of been home with mmy family that i then lived with by this luminated fire that glows stronger in my mind than it ever could in reality and the heat and warmth and the glow that brightens up the darkness  and food and the eleborated thought of love which was all an exageration and i thought even when am home with my family in the light what will it matter the darkness will always be there and a nice life a good life is only a temporary because sometime or another that light will cease and love will fade and the food will be ate and young will be old and life will be death  and with the abscense of all these only the darkness remains...so whats the point.

I know myself or so i thought till now and so i knowing myself i realise that i need to pick myself up so i do and at the time i thought i erradicated this seed of thought that infects me but really i just hide it by covering it with motivation and ideals and ideas and hopes and dreams but if this is just nothing more than a not been able to live up to my self expectations then no amount of optimism can erradicate the seed thats planted until the expecations are met

and so slowly emotions change and optimism slowly decays to pessimism maybe it wasnt anything maybe just the cold and the dark nights that lowered my moral and slowly the seed of thought becomes unburied till an event at that time it was a specific event 21st of april 2008 sends me crashing in spirals of avoidance and feelings of lost as this event finally seeps the last optimism and lets the seed of thought overtake.


It happens once every few years but i always recover maybe its hard and slow maybe slow isnt the word and it feels like torture

so the question is can anyone give me advice to what this ? of is it spiritual? is it psychological? pshsyiogical ?maybe just bad philosophy?

any replies would be good

Note: sometimes it really does feel like a manifestation that intentionally lures me in and seeps all this optimis

[Stookie_]

I think everyone goes through cycles like this, albeit in different levels of intensity. As soon as your sure about what you're doing with your life and feel good about it, you also start having doubts and feel incomplete. I know what's worked for me, but I think it's different for everyone. Personal struggles force us to examine our lives and what we've been doing and where we're headed. And in my experience, it's when you can't see anything ahead is when it's the worst. And it's not that something great in the future doesn't exist, it's just it's still hidden and you can see around the bend yet. In the meantime all you can do is relax and enjoy the moment. I know, easier said than done.

What I try to do is get into a mental state where I don't care about anything except this day, right now. I don't try to force anything into my life, or worry about the future, or wonder where in the past I did something wrong. You don't have to feel bad, or guilty, or shameful, or angry, or worried about ANYTHING. It's not fair. And I think the only avoidance is to shut your brain up, fully immerse yourself in the moment, and enjoy it.

PS - amphetamines to train is not healthy, and you know it can't be good for your mental health either, especially if your going through rough times.

[AJDIN]

Stookie, well said!

[Fourthdimension]

Thanks guys and thanks stookies I'll write a longer reply later sorry. Just havent had much time lately