A bad relationship and its effect on my energy for the next girl?((LONG))

[Zarklon]

Hello everyone ,

     I need some advice.  I just got out of a relationship where I've basically given my heart and soul to a girl and tried to do everything right.  It ended so horribly though.. I gave her every ounce of loving energy and she crushed my heart to pieces.. I was the perfect gentleman to her and she ran me into the ground.  I can't stress enough how I really tried in this relationship to make it work and to show her unconditional love time and time again to no avail.  I put everything on the line and was done so wrongly throughout and in the end of the relationship.. to the point where I dont feel like I can love again for a long while without some kind of energy healing. How should I begin this healing process?? I need help!  How do I begin to let my love build for someone new if I feel it is stuck behind a steel wall inside my gut? Thanks for taking the time to answer me.

Read below if you want to know more details of what actually happened but I forewarn you its long and detailed.







PART 1 (Detailed)----------------------

I dated a girl for 2 years.. What attracted me to her was the fact that she was in a bad environment and wanted so badly to escape to a better place and better herself.. or so I thought.  Being the person I am , I always want to help someone and to be attracted by her looks and personality at the time , I felt I could help her and we would really make it.  Over the course of time (2 years) we changed... I got her pregnant probably within the first week of actually meeting her , yes .. I know.. ,  and it made me grow up really quick.  On the other hand .. she did not seem to change much.. At the start of our relationship , we were two peas in a pod.. , one in the same , just alike ... We were irresponsible and without a care in the world.. indecent people with little to no consideration for others and a bad drug habit.  We stayed like this until the baby was born ... That day .. I changed entirely... I changed so much that it pushed her apart from me.. I became a father and took in the responsibilities brought forth of me.  She began to see this change but misinterpreted it entirely .. She thought I had become controlling and demanding when instead I was trying to teach her responsibility , a budget , and priorities.  This led to me feeling quite hopeless with her... she thought it would be better if she gave me a reason to leave her so she cheated on me... We broke up for a week and I took her back but only after I felt I understood why she did it and I truly forgave her.  We then moved out of my fathers home and into an apartment by ourselves.. I got a job while she stayed home wasting away.. She did not find a job for several weeks and when she finally did , she quit in a couple of days.  I had been working since the 3rd day we moved in and am still working at the same place even now (2 months later) she had worked for maybe a total of 3 days...  I was fed up with her in so many ways I had distanced myself to the point of non-communication with her. I had tried and tried to give her chance after chance to change and become a good and decent person capable of being a team-player in this little family of ours..  Instead she spent her time while I was at work , doing drugs with her friends and wasting my gas running people around when we had no money in our pockets.  I was disgusted by her.. I truly had tried until I could no longer even look her direction much less snuggle next to her at night.  I had lost it all for her and felt completely betrayed by her.  We were two totally different people at this point.. I had grown up and she was still a child. 

One day she got fed up with me ignoring her.  She told me to pack my things and leave or they would be in the yard by the time I got home from work.  I refused simply because I was paying the bills and it would endanger our daughter since she had no job.  She did not like that.. Keep in mind I'm a computer geek hardcore..  She kicks my computer across the floor knocking my tower over.. it was bad..  I got in her face and raised my voice.. If someone trashed your favorite something in your life you would do the same.. Thats all I planned to do was voice my opinion and tell her to stop and give me time to pack and leave.. She shoves me at that point.. I shove back and tell her never to lay a hand on me because I would never hit her.... The retaliatory shove was what set her off.. she comes at me swinging..  I still couldn't bring myself to hit her.. I simply dodged a couple of punches before I grabbed her wrists and told her to stop over and over..  This holding of the fists lasted a couple of minutes and she wasnt backing down..  The could not get free to punch me and I wasnt letting go until she yielded.  Then came a kick from her to my groin... That was it for me.. I knew I had to do something to end this fight and so I simply stuck my leg behind her legs and pushed her to the ground slamming her somewhat firmly only to make sure she would think twice before jumping back up and swinging again. 

After that scuffle , I packed my things up , went to work , and got arrested by an officer  at my job because she ended up going to the hospital (knowing good and well she was just fine) and after all , she made papers out on me first so I looked in the wrong.  She had nothing better to do .. with no job and all.. why not go to the hospital for pain pills and try to put me in jail .. kill two birds with one stone eh? 


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PART 2 (Summary)

Thats how it ended... 24 hours in jail and I realized I'm never going back to her. My problem is , I've been the best person anyone could ever ask for to her.. and it wasn't enough..  I've never lied to her .. never cheated on her .. nothing.. Always been a perfect gentlemen and helped her through any problems she faced.. took a stand and took up slack for our little family's sake.. I did no wrong... Everyone in her family knows this and there was countless times where they would nearly beg me to stay with her because "she is still young and needs to change and grow up" .. thats always been their words for me..  I used to listen..I'm afraid I've tried to hard to give to that girl until I had no more left to give and in the end she crushed what little I had left of me after all was said and done..  Ultimate betrayal.. I don't know if I know how to love anymore after this.. I thought we would laster forever at some point in our relationship. I felt such a connection with her I thought it was meant to be.. soulmate material.. but never in my gut did I feel she was the ONE... I can honestly say that.. I don't feel like I'll ever find that person.. especially after going through something like this.. I'm so scarred its seriously not funny..


Now that we are separated for good .. I've met someone new.. Its only been a week but she sounds like the perfect person for me.  We are both falling hard for each other and she's already dropped the L bomb on me and is regarding me as her soulmate!! I know girls fall for me quick but never this quick and never so hard.  I'm falling just the same for her yet .. something is different..  I dont have the feeling in my gut yet.. I think I'm so scared to feel the love because I've given so much to someone who just sucked it out of me and never gave it back in return... Now someone is here and claims to want to be there for me and claims to care about me and everything she is telling me is good beyond belief! But why do I feel so empty still... My mind has fallen for her .. I am happy as all get-out .. thats for sure..  But the energy in my gut is missing.. its like I can't believe I love her and thus.. I cant feel the feelings generally associated with it although I want to so bad.. I know I love her but where is that loving feeling!?  I know its surpressed behind a massive barrier... I need to know how to break this barrier down..  My energy usually flows around the person I'm in love with and can be felt in every kiss.. yet I don't think its even escaping from me at all to grow for the person I'm with now.. This scares me because I know I love this girl but I don't think I'm capable of making her feel truly loved because I am missing this energy inside me.. its so surpressed and scarred I fear I cannot give myself completely to her.  What do I do?

[Awakened_Mind]

For starters, thanks for the honesty in such a troubling situation, it took a lot of courage to write that.

Men and women have always had trouble understanding each other. I noticed how you said she kicked your computer over. To me, this is her crying out. It may seem on your side hard to imagine how she could of wanted anything else from you, perhaps she wanted the same unconditional love you had for the computer and your child, without having to change who she was. The main thing is, neither of you seem to be happy anymore. Like everytime you try to fix things, your efforts are futile. You need a break from it. For both your sakes.

You will be able to love again and still do. You still have love in your heart. A lot of people see love as always being in ecstacy. This is not the case. Love is an uphill battle. Look at your child.

You only carry baggage into the next relationship if you don't have the previous one under control. How long has it been since you've been apart?

-AM

[Zarklon]

First let me say that I totally understand what you mean about her possibly wanting unconditional love from me without me requiring her to change..  I reached a point where I told her this exactly.. "I will not try to change you from here on out.. do what you want and if you end up in jail I may not be here when you get out" .. Kind of my way of saying .. heres the rope to hang yourself with.  The changes I required of her were changes any responsible adult would need to make for a small family.  Not hard changes... not at all.  Mostly just changes that consisted of getting a job and not blowing what little money we had on useless things.  Really small stuff.. I had had enough of her not understanding that she truly needed to change so I left it up to her to change and expected that I could still love her during that time.. but she gave me less than a week after I told her what I wrote in quotes above and she basically kicked me out the apartment that day of the fight.  I would still be there taking all of it with a grain of salt and being treated horribly on a daily basis.. What I was not strong enough to do was truly show her love during that whole process... Thats what she picked up on.. thats why she started the fight.. Honestly .. I couldn't bring myself to show affection and love for someone such as herself any longer.. I thought I could but the more I forced myself , the more I felt I was disrespecting myself and allowing my loving energy to be tainted by some dirty energy.. thats the best explanation of it .. She made me feel dirty if I got too close.. I may not see auras but hers at least FEELS like slimy toxic waste.  How can you hold something like that in your arms and truly love it? =(

We have been apart for about 3 weeks now.  I felt most of our relationship that I should leave her but some part of me made me stay... I think I know why... She reminded me so much of myself in my relationship with my ex fiance and now that I look back on this relationship , Although I was not this horrible to my ex fiance , I still appreciate myself for sticking it out and at least communicating with her as much as I did to try to warn her that she needed to change for me... Thats something my ex fiance didn't do for me.  I feel in some way I needed to experience someone so horrible in my life so that I can be that much stronger for someone else who comes along..  I put up with a lot .. cheating , lieing , stealing , and in the end her laying her hands on me....  She covered all the DON'Ts of a relationship whereas I covered none.. Not only did I learn a lot about myself but I'm sure she now looks at me about the same as I look at my ex fiance and is wondering, or at least will wonder "whoa... look at what I lost.."   

I never wrote any of this to prove me being right and her wrong.. this is truly an honest thread about how I really feel worried that there may be someone new in my life right now that loves me so much in such short time and I'm having trouble really opening up so quickly to her although she seems like everything I've ever wanted in a girl and I know I love her.. I'm just missing that certain feeling inside that usually grows and flourishes..  I'm just hoping its the distance between us .. I see her only once a week.. this Friday being the second time seeing her in person.. Its amazing how much you can develope for someone over the phone .. I know it sounds pathetic but I just have a hunch that this is what I need to be doing in my life and I'm usually right about these gut feelings.  I hope its the distance and not some major blockage I might have due to how much I've put out for my ex and some part of me being too scared to do it again..  I'm the kind of person that has to be around the person I'm with and stare into their eyes to feel loved..  When I look directly into a girl's eyes I can feel so many things... Ill have a much better idea of how I feel for her come Friday when I visit again.  If she is as real as she sounds.. she sounds like my soul-mate no lie.. Thats hard to believe.. I thought I would never find someone whom I would consider my soul-mate material..  Maybe that has me a little doubtful on a whole other level.. *shrugs* 

Thanks for taking the time to give me some input on this Awakened_Mind.. I really appreciate it.

[wow_nonamesleft]

[about new girl]
Personally, I think you are in a good 'energy' condition, just take it slow   .  From what this seems like on the surface that you will have a pretty good time. As awakened_mind said about baggage I think I could add on, dont bring what was negative from that relationship, which could be remembering bad times, making comparisions, ect...

This new girl is giving alot of attention, right? Well... I think your getting what you wanted. I mean this is what you wanted(?), so I believe you pretty much brought/attracted this girl to you... so what can I say, sounds great!

Maybe go to the healing forum and ask for some healing if you feel its necessary.

-edit: maybe be open to the soul-mate idea, sounds like a good thing to explore so be open towards it.

[greggkroodsma]

Yes, well I guess there may be two ways for you to grow; up and out. 

Over the course of time (2 years) we changed... I got her pregnant probably within the first week of actually meeting her

and it made me grow up really quick.

Usually, the higher a tree grows, the bigger will be the base.

We were irresponsible and without a care in the world.. indecent people with little to no consideration for others and a bad drug habit

All of the experimental things that you may have done is not the concern and you better believe that or you will be forever in a hole you can't get out of.

One day she got fed up with me ignoring her.  She told me to pack my things and leave or they would be in the yard by the time I got home from work.  I refused simply because I was paying the bills and it would endanger our daughter since she had no job.  She did not like that.. Keep in mind I'm a computer geek hardcore..  She kicks my computer across the floor knocking my tower over.. it was bad..  I got in her face and raised my voice.. If someone trashed your favorite something in your life you would do the same.. Thats all I planned to do was voice my opinion and tell her to stop and give me time to pack and leave.. She shoves me at that point.. I shove back and tell her neverThe retaliatory shove was what set her off..   to lay a hand on me because I would never hit her.... she comes at me swinging..  I still couldn't bring myself to hit her.. I simply dodged a couple of punches before I grabbed her wrists and told her to stop over and over..  This holding of the fists lasted a couple of minutes and she wasnt backing down..  The could not get free to punch me and I wasnt letting go until she yielded.  Then came a kick from her to my groin... That was it for me.. I knew I had to do something to end this fight and so I simply stuck my leg behind her legs and pushed her to the ground slamming her somewhat firmly only to make sure she would think twice before jumping back up and swinging again.

Shut up about your unconditional love to her!  You forcefully hit her twice!  Both of you had the option to stop.  And that is why you were arrested for domestic abuse.  Now, you keep crying to somebody to help you understand this.  And you keep telling us what a third of you is doing.

the baby was born

This is my suggestion.  Find a proven detoxification program and learn how to administer that to your child.  And it would not be a bad idea if you considered that also. 

[malganis]

Imo she had a low self esteem and didn't feel worthy of your love to her. You gave more love to her than she felt she deserved and held you in contempt you for it. People don't appreciate things they don't have to work for. You were always there when she needed you but what did she do for you? It has to go both ways.

In my teenage years i was in love with one girl but then she rejected me and i shut myself from emotions and girls for couple years so i wouldnt experience the rejection again. I didn't know that consciously but i finaly realized that after doing The Work two months ago and it set me free to feel love again. The results are amazing.

Here are some examples of The Work in action.

http://www.thework.com/video_rejection.asp

http://www.byronkatie.com/

[Awakened_Mind]

I think you understand that you and your ex-girlfriend are not meant to be, perhaps just for the moment or forever. I guess you'd want it another way. We all would. Which is why this experience is so painful because you feel you gave yourself to her and it hasn't turned out 'right'. "What did I do wrong to make things end up this way?", "If only..". The truth is you haven't done anything wrong. Even to the point where you have brought the issue somewhere you feel comfortable talking about it, instead of holding it in. Kudos to you.

I don't feel reducing the issue down to where people are speculating on what part 'energy' or auras played in the situation is necessary or helpful. So I'm going to steer away from it. Something between you is simply no longer clicking. The problem is you've changed for the better and she hasn't changed at all. She might not be ready.

Coming out of an experience like that, a wounded soldier almost, you need some affection. This is what you're crying out for. You're new girlfriend may offer that to you. I'd say that the best thing you can do with her is be honest and take things slow. True love is very deep and tranquil, not uncontrollable.

-AM

[Zarklon]

I thank you all for your input..

This new girl is giving alot of attention, right?

Very much attention yes. To the point where I told her I think its unfair that she shows so much for me when I feel this way inside because of what I've been through and can't give much of myself to her right now.. Yet , she understands and is telling me to take as much time as I need.

I mean this is what you wanted(?)

Very much so .. I don't crave attention but I know that I've never been shown this kind of attention in years and it feels good.


And about the soul-mate thing.. All I know is this..

I thought I passed up my soul-mate (my ex fiance) ..  We had a connection that was just plain freaky.. We shared each other thoughts.. I felt when she was in danger.. many telepathic things and since it ended with her I havent had that connection with anyone else.. Except for now..  Theres been so many occasions only in one week so far that seem to bring back memories of the connection I had with my ex fiance.  I really don't know what to make of it but I'm happy about it nonetheless. 

Imo she had a low self esteem and didn't feel worthy of your love to her. You gave more love to her than she felt she deserved and held you in contempt you for it. People don't appreciate things they don't have to work for. You were always there when she needed you but what did she do for you?

I think you are right.. With our first breakup , her excuse for treating me the way she did was "I have never been shown so much love before , I didn't know what to do about it so I ran from it!" yet at the same time she says "I love him so much , I've never loved anyone as much as this before , it must be real" ..  What did she do for me?  I can't name one but I can name many things she could have done for me.. It was that bad.. I so didn't deserve any of it but I learned to appreciate it all here in the end.  I think I stuck it out because I took it as payment being brought unto me for my wrongdoings with my ex fiance.. I just hope I've payed my debt.. it sure feels like I've got some karma credit though after all this hehe... I've payed too much!

Thanks again to everyone who had some input.

PS: To greggkroodsma  , I appreciate your input as well.. I don't think you believe to what extent I was wrongly done by her.  The shove back was not hard at all .. just a way to say "Dont do that to me or I'll do it back" and the second time I "hit!?" her was self defense .. If I hadn't done that , I would still be healing bruises and possibly would not be able to have kids anymore.  Any man would be correct to do what I did to her or I would have less respect for them at least.. If a woman puts herself in a man's shoes and lays her hands on another man she is asking for it.. I could have beat the crap out of her God knows i wanted to but I'm stronger than that.  I took it extremely easy on her  , if only you could have been a fly on the wall that day you would give me a cookie for real..  But thanks for your input as well. 

[greggkroodsma]

"Dont do that to me or I'll do it back"

That is revenge and that is worse!

People don't appreciate things they don't have to work for.

Who wrote that?  Putting that into context it was saying that the girl did not have to work for the guy.
Well, guess what buddy?  The guy did not have to do any work but insert and pump to get his little bundle of joy!  That was the whole thing in a nutshell; the baby.  The computer was not putting the food on the table so she got mad at the computer and kicked it over.  And at no time have I heard where the baby is in all this. 

You were always there when she needed you but what did she do for you?

She gave you what EVERY MAN WANTS and that is to continue the family line.  She gave the most precious thing that could ever be given in this world AND THE MOST THAT SHE COULD HAVE GIVEN!  LIFE!!!!!!!!  What is wrong with your thinking, Mr. Scrotomic?

[malganis]

I would do the same. She has no right to hit you and he was holding her hands not punched her in the eye.

[Novice]

I hit reply, and then sat here thinking of what to say... 

First off, I don't approve of physical abuse -- whether it's committed by a man or woman. As greggkroodsma (I'll call you gregg for short) posted, we are only hearing one side of the story. And recounting these experiences are NEVER unbiased, no matter how much we try to make them. This isn't a slam to you Zarklon -- this is purely a human fact. We can only relate what we perceive to have happened.

However, with that said, I have no issue with a man restraining a woman who is being physically violent with him (and I'm a woman). As far as I'm concerned, if you are going to hit, don't be surprised if someone hits back. Of course, the stronger the individual, the more restraint they need to learn in responding. (Always a catch, isn't there.) But this isn't the key issue. You're question is basically about how to love again.

This scares me because I know I love this girl

With all due respect, I read that part of your post and went "huh?"

You are out of 2-year, tenuous relationship for only 3 weeks and you *know* you are in love again?!

Maybe the first thing to do is evaluate your definition of love. My sense is what you are feeling is the combination of joy and tenderness you didn't have in your last relationship. This new person is nice and good, as far as you're concerned, and you can't think of why you shouldn't lover her, yet you don't have this energy you equate with love surrounding her. Maybe it's because you aren't in love with her?

I'm not trying to sound trite or blaise, but I don't see how anyone can establish a deep, soul reaching feeling of love for someone else in 3 weeks time. Especially if they are just out of a long-term, bad relationship. And this appears to be your dilemma. Why aren't you feeling the love your head tells you you should feel? The problem is your head doesn't determine love, that's all done by your heart. It tells your brain what's what in this area.

Personally, I think you're moving way too fast. I wouldn't even be dating again for at least 6 months if it were me (actually if it were me, it would probably be more like a year). I think you've been hurt on a number of levels in your last relationship. Before you are capable of feeling that kind of love for someone else, you need to find it within yourself. Only then can you share that with others. And 3 weeks is a blink of the eye when it comes to time. Of course, this could also be a generational difference. The word 'love' doesn't appear to mean the same thing to younger people as it does to me and a lot of my friend.

Of course, this suggestion comes from a much older person (  ), but I simply don't think you are ready to make any decision like this right now. Regardless of how wonderful this new girl is, tell her the truth -- You aren't ready for another relationship right now. If she's 'the one', she'll understand and wait for you. If not, then you have your answer. It may sound harsh, but it's the truth -- or I should say it's the truth based on what I've seen over the years.

Hope this helps!