Help with Healing/Transformation?

[Kanes Messenger]

Hey Everyone!

So I feel my spirit is very sick and through all my attempts (meditation, yoga, acupressure, therapy, psychic, etc.) I have been unable to get "back to normal".

About 9 months ago I had a shocking experience while laying in my bed when I unexpectedly began feeling extremely intense vibrations and total bliss and exctasy with a mixture of emotions (I was doing it consciously but didn't know what I was doing). The feeling grew stronger and stronger until I felt I was leaving my body except not so much like an OBE but I felt one with the entire universe and it was one with me. Despite the visions the feeling was probably over 10X anything I've felt in my entire life. I wrote about it in this topic http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/welcome_to_astral_projection_experiences/first_experience_life_changing_ap-t43004.0.html

After that experience I remember waking up one morning a few days later I said to myself "my spirit is in major pain" event though at the time I didn't even believe in a spirit so it was a strange thing to pop in my head, things began changing rapidly for me, I was shocked into spirituality more or less. Since I've sunk deeply into depression, no so much the feeling sorry for myself but the inability to feel what I used to. When I listen to music I love or play or hang out with my girlfriend I feel a tiny fraction of what I used to feel, even on the best days when I'm totally fine. It's more of a numbness.

I hear a common idea in spirituality is it's always darkest before sunrise. Or you sink deeply into darkness before slingshotting forward into a complete transformation that some call enlightenment. I am not a guru who desires to be enlightened, however I do want to be at peace and feel myself again. I have had MANY positive changes since then that have really helped me, however I don't think a million changes will solve my "problem" I think I need a complete transformation. A psychic told me during that experience a part of my soul left and a higher part came in/is coming in.

Since then I've had 3 experiences where I felt okay again, but I was more than okay I was totally blessed and it felt like enlightenment although I don't like using that term. The first two where with mushrooms where after my friends and I ate the mushrooms I would feel my own energy but amplified immensely, I felt all the pain and discomfort and couldn't help but cry and surrender, then after I would surrender I felt unlimited and myself again for about 4 hours until the high wore off.

Mushrooms more or less taught me I need to surrender and give myself to love. I felt I may have kept emotional baggage (about 4 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend and suppressed some emotions), I became more and more aware that I have "lost myself completely" which upsets me greatly and I have done a LOT of crying and surrender over the past month and a bit but I feel my problem is much deeper than suppressed emotions, there is also a pain behind my heart. No matter how much crying I do I still feel closed off and discomfort.

The other experience where I felt this divine intelligence and bliss was the most recent and there was NOT any drug inolved. After reading the power of now by eckhart tolle (I had read it in the past and am aware of my thoughts) I became even more conscious of my thoughts than usual, I realized many of the negative thoughts I have are stemming from what he calls the pain body which is more or less the unconscious pain that has stacked up over your entire life. I became so extremely aware of this I felt the major discomfort like when I was on mushrooms. Laying in my bed my body felt some pain especially in my heart and began twitching a bit and I would moan in pain uncontrollably, tears began pouring out after a bit but nothing like the other times I cried, it was just completely pouring out with no intention of crying and without being sad about anything. I became very intense and I was able to feel energy flowing in my body again, and I felt pain and suffering but also felt the best I've felt in a long time. During this hour or so I felt VERY similar as to when I was on mushrooms, I was receiving visions from the spiritual dimension that I don't normally get and despite the pain I felt enlightened and amazing. However as soon as I stopped feeling thing everything returned to normal...almost as if I had temporarily received some natural high. During this time I was TOTALLY present in the Now, normally I am not, my mind wonders compulsively. I am able to get ahold of it to a degree but even when I am totally aware of it it still runs. I need to practice becoming more present at all times, but there may be other things going on because even when I get present say in a singing/dancing class I only feel a portion of what I used to.

If anyone has anything that might help me based on my experiences/ideas I'd be very happy,

Thank you

[soarin12]

You sound a lot like me.  After I had my spiritual awakening where I had some really intense experiences that sound a lot like yours, I was on cloud 9 for quite awhile but then that faded to a numbness where I didn't feel anything at all.  From my experience, after experiencing the divine love and connection, you will never be able to go back to the way things were.  Your life will never be the same as it was and you should probably not look for it to be. You know secrets about existence that others have no idea about.  How could you ever look at life the same way again?  For me, that numb feeling comes from being "empty."  The person I was is gone (in may ways) and I'm still not completely the person I want to be. You can see where that would leave a void. The only thing to do about it is to work on that transformation you were talking about.  I still haven't completely conquered the "blahs" myself but will share some things that help me.

Examine your life and endeavor to live it as a reflection of that beauty you experienced.  Live your life in love toward others even if you don't feel anything.  The feelings will eventually follow your sacrifice.

Forgive all who have caused you pain and forgive yourself for causing others harm.  Apologize and try to make up for past wrongs as best you can.  Then let the pain go for good. Don't "live there".

Look for a life partner who shares your spiritual path.  You will feel lonely if you are with someone who just doesn't get it and is too involved with the "rat-race" of life and materialism.

With every person you meet, be in the present moment with them and try to make a meaningful connection with them.

Use your gifts and talents, whatever they may be, to help people.  A hug, encouraging word, or listening ear can really go a long way.

Iv'e read NDE's where after the person came back, they just wanted to live their lives to the absolute fullest.  They knew their lives had purpose and knew they shouldn't waste one minute!  I always remind myself of that when I get down.  Hope this gives you a little inspiration.  I certainly haven't arrived with all this stuff but am working on it.  Those days of "grace" come along out of nowhere where you feel peace and beauty surrounding you.  They make all our hard work worth while.

[Szaxx]

Given time, what you are feeling will be acknowledged as part of maturing. You will learn this eventually.
Carry on with the art. One day all will become clear and the best day of your life will seem insignificant to that witnessed.
At present you hold a key to a very small part of the whole. Once you become one with all, everything fits into place.

Time the great healer.

The sun is the light,
though now feeling rain.
A rainbow appears,
it's end, yours, golden,
you're living again.

Patience required.