pagan light bulb jokes, misc humor

[WalkerInTheWoods]

Hehe funny.

quote:How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

[]

[Tisha]

You Know You're a Chaote When...


You don't think it's a proper symbol unless you only just made it up a few seconds ago while doodling.

Someone asks you if you believe life has a purpose, or whether it is meaningless, and you say "yes."

You always carry around lots of post-it notes and a pen in case you need to cast a sigil.

People ask you how magic works, and you either
A) don't know and don't care
B) explain in torturous detail, later causing them to seek therapy.

Someone asks you if you believe in the Christian God, and you say:
A) "Only if there's something in it for me"
B) "What day of the week is it?"
C) "Sorry, I rolled a 6 on the dice earlier, I'm a Wiccan today"
D) "Okay, haven't got any other plans for today"

Missionaries find it easy to convert you to their religion, the only trouble is making sure you don't convert to another religion as soon as you're bored.

Other magick workers compare rituals with you. You think they're too serious and stuffy, and they refuse to live in the same neighbourhood as you.

You don't see anything wrong with making up your own god, until it starts telling you what to do.

While in trance, a being glowing with pure white light tells you the secrets to true happiness. You smile and ignore it/laugh at it.

People point out your beliefs are contradictory. You blush.

Your bookcase contains various holy texts that claim all the other texts are wrong.

You don't learn Latin in order to understand tomes of magic, you learn Quantum Physics.

You still don't understand the tomes after learning Quantum Physics, but at least you know lots of big words now.

Your rituals involve the first objects you can spot lying around.

You aspire to schizophrenia. Your friends think you've already reached that state.

Your banishment rituals are usually more fun than the rituals themselves. You keep a copy of a "certain revisionist" book for whenever you need to banish with laughter.

Even eclectic witches think you need to be more discerning.

You buy one of those glittery spell books to see if you can make the spells work. You read it and decide you would much rather write insulting letters to the author that will also give her the nasty cold you've been trying to get rid of for weeks.

When Wiccans tell you the rede, you ask them to define "harm."

If someone you agree with turns out to be obnoxious, you immediately change your beliefs to the opposite of what they were.

And finally.

Shopping for presents becomes so much easier, as you decide to buy random things, mix them up randomly, and leave them lying around for the first person who finds them.

[Rob]

ROFLMAO!!!!

Awesome.....had me in stitches throughout.....

MORE!!!!!!!!!!

[][][]

Rob

[Tisha]

The Wombat Laws
by Rosemary Edghill, circa 1978


About the Author  
Rosemary Edghill is the author of a number of excellent fantasy stories and novels including the very popular with Pagans Bast trilogy.

THE WOMBAT LAWS

1. THE LAW WAS MADE AND ARDANE about a week from last Wednesday.

2. THE LAW WAS MADE FOR THE WICCCA in order that they should develop a nice longhand style from copying it.

3. The Wiccca should give due worship to the Gozd, presuming they believe the Gozd exist and aren't just metaphors; and obey Their Will, which the HPS of the Coven will make up as she goes along, for it was made for the purpose of ego-tripping and wild parties. The worship of the Wiccca is good for the owners of Occult Supply Stores, for the owners of Occult Supply Stores love the money of the Wiccca.

4. As a man loveth a woman using the missionary position, so the Wiccca should shaft their fellows and other total strangers frequently. And it is necessary that the Magick Circle which is the principal difference between a Wicccan rite and a frat party be cast and all Wiccca properly purified to enter it so they can drink five gallons of Ripple each and not throw up.

5. The HPS shall ruin rule her Coven as the local representative of the Goddess, and choose whomever she is sleeping with this week to be her HP ... or her Maiden.

6. And remember that the Wiccca would have it that The God Himself kissed her feet and gave up the position of Ringmaster to her because of her arbitrariness and autocracy, her spite and un- reason, her mysteriousness and ignorance: so the HP is expected to go as far away as possible and not even show up for Sabbats.

7. It is the greatest virtue of an HPS that she turn as many of her Covenors into closet Xtians as possible, for the true HPS realizes that anyone with the sense Goddess gave a goose is not going to stick around without having a death wish.


8. In the Olden Days when Wiccca extended far, we were free and had reservations in all the best restaurants.
But these days, we eat at McDonald's.

9. SO BE IT ARDANE, that none but the Wiccca shall ever be invited to dinner, for people who ignore us are many, and if they ever found out what we are really up to they would giggle.

10. SO BE IT ARDANE, that no Coven shall know where the next Coven bide, or who its members be, save anybody who looks in Circle Newsletter and the hit team we send out to sanction them.

11. SO BE IT ARDANE, that no one shall tell anyone anything, Least of all thy fellows in the Craft, for fear one of you will learn something; because as it is truly writ: Gerald wrote it, I believe it, and that settles it.

12. And if any break these Laws, they will have to start their own Tradition and make up their own Grandmother.

13. Let each HPS govern her Coven as she damn' well please, riding roughshod over the Covenors as long as they will stand for it.

14. But it must be recognized that sooner or later they will get mad and stop bringing the Ripple to Coven meetings. When this happens, it hath ever been the Old Law that the HPs will Elevate them to the Third Degree and kick them out, and promise them the Rest of the Book ... someday.

15. Anyone of any degree or none may found a Coven, provided they think they can get away with it and can create a convincing Grandmother.

16. They may raid other Covens for members as long as no one knows where to find them.

17. But splitting the Coven oft means new opportunities for evading the consequences of your actions, so the wise HPS will think of it first.


18. If you should keep a Black Book, let it be in your own hand of write, except for the parts you Xerox out of Lady Sheba. Or better yet, tell everybody they're not of a high enough degree to see it.

19. Proclaim your Wicccahood loudly, and often; you may be able to do a brisk trade in spells, psychic fairs, and talk shows. If nobody believes you, try holding a public skyclad circle. If all else fails, hire a press agent and advertise in the National Enquirer. If they try to make you talk of the Brotherhood, lay it on with a trowel. Ancient Atlantis is always good for a five-minute spot on the six o'clock news. Not all interviewers are bad; some may even flash your business address on the screen for a few seconds.

20. Fear not; the Brotherhood is not likely to notice anything you do, and if they do, they will say: Well, we have no patent on the word Witch ... who am I to say she's not honest and valid?

21. To avoid discovery, let your working tools be as ordinary stuff such as any may have around the house: AR-15's, Patton Tanks, Howitzers (let's see how far we can stretch that First Amendment, gang!). Have no names or signs on anything, and remove the ones they came with, as otherwise this can lead to a charge of receiving stolen property.

22. Let the Pentacles be made of wax unless something else is more convenient.

23. Have no sword, unless you are in the SCA or a collector of WWII memorabilia.

24. Write the names and signs on a gummed label so that it can be peeled off immediately afterwards; remember that not guilty by reason of insanity is not a valid defense in cases of this kind.

25. Ever remember you are the Hidden Children of the Goddess; when you can take time out from Karma Dumping Runs, Psychic Vendettas, Banishing each other from the Coven and discussing how much fun it would be to persecute the Xtians, remember never to do anything to disgrace her. Or them, if that's possible.

26. In the Olden Days, when we had Power, we could use the Art against any who ill-treated us; but these days a whispering campaign works better. Remember always that there are a lot of flaky people out there, and for this reason it is best to give a fake name and a Post Office Box address. Someone is always going to blame you for something.

27. SO BE IT ARDANE: HARM NONE, or at least have a good alibi. Never break this law, or people you get burned along with you will come after you with baseball bats, and you will never be able to score any decent hash again.

28. Any HPS who does something you don't like you can walk out on, but be sure to clout the Coven Book on the way to the door and set up in business for yourself (Learn Witchcraft from the Experts!)

29. Always accept money for use of the Art, but keep an eye on the Gypsy laws. In some states, Barter works better. All may use the Art for their own advantage; remember, quick and dirty works best, and you can lay off the Karma on the Coven. If that doesn't work, try dead cats in the mailbox.


30.'Tis the old law and most important of all the Laws that no one may do anything that will endanger any of the Craft. Unless there's money in it, or it's to someone you think deserves it, and anyway 'endanger' is in the eye of the beholder.

31. In any dispute between the Wiccca, no one may invoke any Law but that of the Craft. However, you can break into your opponent's home and mess up his stuff ... after all, it says right here they can't go to the Police.

32. Never bargain or haggle when you buy by the Art; most Occult Store owners will just throw you out and everyone else will think you're a nut.

33. Let the Craft go out and buy a copy of Culpepper's Herbal and a PDR, and learn the names of all pharmaceuticals that will really send you on a bum trip. Keep another book with the antidotes and the names of your suppliers and let only trustworthy people have this knowledge.

34. It is ever the way with men and with women that they are ruled by their glands. At any moment your HPS may run off and become a Rosicrucian. And the way of Resignation is this: if she doesn't answer her phone for two weeks and is never home when you drive by, you can declare her outcast from the Coven and take it over yourself, with as many as will have you. But if she comes back she will probably take over the Coven again, or start another one in the same building and declare you Invalid, and there's not much you can do about it. Learn to live with anxiety. Get everything in writing.

35. It hath been found that two people sitting around with a bottle of Chianti discussing Atlantean Grandmothers will become fond of each other, if only because of the Stockholm Syndrome. Therefore, let it be resolved that an human being shall be taught in the Craft only by another human being, and screw the middle-class morality of the nineteen-fifties.

36. And the Curses of the Mighty Ones be on all who try to take this seriously, or the Craft seriously, or the Wiccca seriously. Caveat Lector, and May the Force Be With You!

[TheLunatic]

hehe thats funny...

quote:Originally posted by Tisha
How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

[Tisha]

How many solitary witches does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
One.

How many Dianics does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
That's W-I-M-M-I-N...AND IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY!

How many Druids does it take to change a Light bulb?
501. One to change the bulb, and 500 to align the stones.

How many ceremonial magicians does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
Just one. He stands still and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a Light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

How many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb?
Six. One to change it, five to sit around complaining that light bulbs
never burned out before Christians came along.

How many witches does it take to change a Light bulb?
Depends on what you want it changed into...

How many Buckland witches does it take to change a Light bulb?
"Refer to my second book, 'Practical Light bulb changing' by
Raymond Buckland..."

How many New Agers does it take to change a Light bulb?
(in a sing-song voice)We don't use light bulbs, we just charge our
crystals and watch them glow...

How many astrologers does it take to change a Light bulb?
Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!

How many Asatruar does it take to change a Light bulb?
None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a Light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Pentacostals does it take to change a Light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine others to pray against the powers of darkness.

How many T.V. evangelists does it take to change a Light bulb?
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth,
send in your tax-deductible donation today.

How many Alexandrians does it take to screw in a Light bulb?
That's the Maiden's job. Maiden- make it so.



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Astrology Light bulb Jokes



How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a heck of a lot of light bulbs.

How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
2

How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two
engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?