Where am I going?

[zConcept]

I believe I am teetering on the edge of a chasm from which there is no return.

I 'think' that I feel as though I should be afraid of this but the thought escapes me. It is blazing past at record speeds, far out of reach. I wonder if this is how it should be and if I am walking the right path. But this is soon replaced by a feeling of numbing warmth and comfort and quickly forgotten. These like many of my thoughts are now common place for me, as I have trouble forming opinions and would rather 'go with the flow of things' so to speak.

Having had a near existential death experience approximately 7 years ago I felt that my world was coming to an end. This lead me to a short stint with depression which lasted about a month after which I had all but relinquished to my fate. This lead me to a simple realization regarding the nature of thoughts and their emotional counter-parts. This was common knowledge to me from before through my study and academia of inner knowledge, however it never rung true until that moment. I almost instantly learned to become a third party observer in my own head which lead me to detach from myself, my thoughts and their emotional content. I was then able to enter a state of pleasurable nothingness which felt as though a warm embrace of release. I soon later was able to choose which emotional content I would digest. No longer a prisoner of the grey. Albeit unable to grasp the negative emotional states easily as my natural state of mind was now auto piloting to that warm nothing state.

I spent some time picking apart my ego. Asking myself questions such as why do I not like these things/emotions/ideas. I could not tell if I had always not liked these things or was it some kind of learned behavior from my childhood or environment. It became second nature to block my thoughts from being filtered by my ego and thus it crumbled.

While this has improved my life incredibly since then and I no longer fear death. It has forever changed my outlook on this world. I can't help but wonder if this is how I should be or am I now a incomplete being wondering through a haze dumbfounded. I believe this has closed my heart because I know no love. It has been replaced by something else intangible. I would like to shed a tear for this loss but it escapes me. Or maybe I have just never felt true love or have never felt the act of giving love in my life thus far and have yet to discover it.

To be honest I do not know how I have come to this point in writing this. Normally I sit and stare trying to will my thoughts to come out in some form or another. It was difficult to write all of this and yet it was easy some how I cannot explain it. These words some how seemed to flow from me without a thought.

Maybe there is still something inside of me that is crying for help.

[Szaxx]

Hi,
No worries you made the correct choice. The same blackness will appear again when you've learned to project your awareness away from the physical. Eventually you'll find everything will fall into place. That lost feeling will go and you'll have some relative experiences to help you put things in perspective. When proficient you'll find a place where ultimate bliss exists and understand more of your existance. Its rarely reported but once visited youll never want to return to the physical. Sound familiar?
Learn the art and continue knowing things are perfect in reality. Until then you've lost nothing just the apparent loss having been in a higher dimension.
Things will unfold.

[Lionheart]

 Hello zConcept. There is a lot of healing to be found in writing. That's the first step, writing gives you something to go back to periodically to see how you are doing finding the solution. You are way out of my league, since I have not had a Near Death Experience, so everything I see and do I have to "believe" is true. I think as you learn to get back to the "Wider Reality" once more through Meditation/Phasing/Out of Body techniques, you will be able to work through these feelings and maybe even understand what is causing them. You came back from Death's doorway for a purpose. I would say you still have a lot to offer this World.
I had a death in the family recently and was really challenged with it knowing what I have learned from Phasing. Everyone around me was was showing remorse, they were having a hard time with the Death. I on the other hand realized that the deceased had been suffering for the last 10 years of his life, not even able to share enjoyment with his own sons as they were growing up. He had been on pain relievers for about 10 years, had countless operations and just recently had been receiving Stem Cell injections. I saw his death as an end to his physical suffering and new beginning in a place where he wouldn't suffer anymore. But, I was fighting with this because I felt that I was losing my heart as well. I felt like my thinking was cold and heartless. I still feel like this. But I realize that you can't just change your beliefs and opinions on something when something bad occurs. You just have to use what your beliefs have taught you to aid that situation. Someone has to be the one to comfort others as they are grieving.

[Pauli2]

While this has improved my life incredibly since then and I no longer fear death.
It has forever changed my outlook on this world. I can't help but wonder if this
is how I should be or am I now a incomplete being wondering through a haze
dumbfounded. I believe this has closed my heart because I know no love.

Maybe there is still something inside of me that is crying for help.

I may sound a little bit technical now, but it could interest you to investigate
the act of retrieving an Aspect of Self (long thread).

And anyway, I get the impression that there lies something ahead of you to do,
perhaps that doing is more important in this physical world, than going seeking
something in the nonphysical?

One part of importance is to bond to others, to find friends, to get to know
others. Another part may be to get to know yourself. I can of course not
know much of you, but if you begin do sessions of any kind (meditations,
retrievals, OBE attempts or enter LDs), it could kind of rattle you to say
the least. One person was shaken when that individual realized that this
life was that person's first human experience, and all previous ones had
been in a completely different universe, which explained the alienation.

Most likely, you are also getting support somehow, but those helping you will seldom
interfere unless you at least make explicit requests to contact them, and sometimes
they don't even say anything even when you go look for them, but they act
nevertheless. Also, in my experience, my guides are not that much different
than I am.